Disorganized Hospital
by Cabixan
Summary: The Organisation works in a hospital, Roxas POV. When Axel and Roxas finally gets together Roxas almost gets raped at a party and is now avoiding Axel for he can't bare the shame. But what Roxas mind tells him to do is colliding with the will of his heart
1. Dec 21! Mocking Roxas day

Thursday – December 20

I looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall. Only one hour left before I'm finished for today. Working as a practical nurse in a hospital sure makes everyday different from the other. Even though it's been a calm day I was really worn out. Probably because it's so near to Christmas. Even so, I was thinking about working then too. Might be a good idea, it's not like I have someone I want to spend the holiday with. I prefer working instead of being constantly outshined by my twin brother.

"_Oh my… What's wrong with you Roxas? Why can't you be more like Sora? After all, aren't twins supposed to be alike?"_

Sigh… I always get frustrated when I think about it. It doesn't matter if you tell mom that you're not Sora, but Roxas and the fact that we are fraternal twins. We don't look so much alike each other at all. Most of the people think that we're brothers.

I put a few more soap on the cart and then I pushed out the cart from the storage room and walked it to the end of the corridor. I opened the door and walked in to the patient's room and checked if something was missing. I saw that one of the soaps was almost finished so I put a new one on the small shelf above the sink and continued to look. Okay, first room done, 14 left. I sighed as I exited and closed room 15. As I was about to push the cart forward I heard a familiar voice. "Yo! Roxas!"

I turned around and saw Demyx coming from the direction from the cafeteria. He was holding a mug of coffee, a very common sight.

"What is it Demyx?" I asked. "Have you been slacking off again?"

Demyx scratched his neck and smiled, "Yeah, and the boss' pet caught us. Axel's checking on one of his patients."

Axel. Every time someone mentioned his name I feel a shiver as the butterflies goes crazy inside me. I looked away from Demyx as I also felt my cheeks turn red, just as an effort to keep him from mocking me about Axel. That's probably just a reflex or so, because most of the time it's totally useless because pretty much everyone knows that I like him. Demyx grabbed me with his arm and ruffled my hair.

"Well looks who's shy as usual when it comes to his special someone" Demyx said as I tried to get out of his grip. "You're very lucky that Axel's a retard that he doesn't know that you still love him!"

I groaned as I elbowed Demyx. "Sh-shut up!" Demyx wasn't letting go, but instead continued to mock me. "You've been in love with him forever, why don't you tell him that you like him?"

And if it wasn't really enough hell that Demyx was mocking me God just had to make my day a living hell by inviting one of the people I hate the most in the world you mock me too. I fear the sound of high-heels in the hospital, especially if you hear that it's coming to me.

"Oh? What's happening here?" a woman's voice said. I sensed incredible sadism in her voice. "Are we mocking Roxas?"

Demyx smiled a bit insecure, "A little… but when you're in it's more like bullying…"

"Then let go of me jackass!" I yelled at Demyx as I started to fight even more to get lose from his grip. He quickly let go of me, but Larxene really seemed to be in mocking-Roxas-mood. I tried to ignore her. I quickly turned around to the cart and started to walk to the next room.

"Little Roxas… You know what, I actually agree with Demyx about telling Axel how you feel. But maybe this time you can do it yourself."

I froze. Offence taken just like Larxene wanted. She slowly walked up to where I stood and continued. "You know what, maybe if you do it in person it may have a bigger impact on him and he won't grow so quickly tired of you this time. But, wait… Whose fault is it that he grew tired of you?" She put her hand on her palm and started to act in despair just to mock me even more. "Isn't it because of Mr. Oh-it's-so-fun-playing-so-hard-to-get?" She put her hand on my shoulder and lowered he head to my ear, "I understand that it's can be fun to play hard-to-get just to mock someone, but when you have waited over a year to try to get that special person to notice you 'that' way and when he finally gets there where you are and asks you out…" She smiled sadistically at me, "You should have accepted because you if you would have answered 'yes'…" She stood up straight and started to walk away slowly. Then she turned around to finish her last sentence. "You could have gotten everything you wanted since you got to know him…"

I just wanted to scream 'bitch' to her and drive over her with the cart. But that's Larxene, she knows exactly which spots to hit and how hard to leave you both angry and broken.

The rest of the rooms Demyx helped, but none of us said anything. Even though it still was 20 minutes left after clearing up the room I went straight to the changing room. Taking out some of my frustration on my locker, I slammed the door opened, pulled out my bag and got out my clothes and started to change. When that was done I accidentally threw the clothes in the trash can. I pressed the switch to open the lid, grabbed my clothes and kicked the trashcan. Then I threw my clothes in the basket opposite to the trashcan and walked back to the locker grabbed everything that was left there and slammed the locker without bothering to lock it and stormed out from the hospital. It was a usual December day. It was cold and snowing. I walked with a fast pace, not bothering looking at anybody or anything but the ground. For a long time everything I could hear was my footsteps and cars swishing by. As I walked by the Duck Pond I stopped and decided to go to the usual café to buy some coffee. The place wasn't jam-packed, probably because it wasn't Friday yet. I walked to the counter and the girl at the cashier turned around. I don't know why I didn't realize it earlier. But of course it was Kairi, who would ever mistake that red hair for someone else. "Oh, Hi Roxas!" she happily greeted, "Are you having the usual?"

I nodded and tried to smile a little to seem polite, "Yeah, large mug to take away."

But Kairi is an expert to see how people are feeling so she quickly saw through it. "What's wrong?"

I sighed and scratched my head to gain some time making up a lie. "I almost died of exhaustion from work today. Old people are so stupid. Why walk over an ice patch is you think it's slippery?"

Kairi smiled. She must have bought that. She might have the gift knowing how people feels, but she's quite gullible. She turned around to the coffee machine, grabbed a large mug, placed it under the coffee machine and pressed a couple of buttons. "Are there lots of those cases this time of the year?"

"Jupp… unfortunately…"

Kairi laughed a little as she handed the mug and a large chocolate chip cookie. A little surprised about the cookie I said, "But I didn't order one…"

"This one's on me okay? I just hope that you'll feel better soon. Just be sure to tip me a little more you're next coming visits okay?" she said and winked.

I laughed a little, "Tell Sora and Naminé I said hi from me."

"I'll do so." Kairi said and waved me good bye as I left the café. I felt a little more cheerful after meeting Kairi. Sora and I met her high school. It turned out that she also had a twin sister, Naminé, but she was in art-class that was in a whole other building. But we meet her later to. She didn't look at Kairi at all. She later explained that they were fraternal twins, just like me and Sora. Later when Sora and Kairi started to go out, they tried to fix me and Naminé up. After a couple months of no improvement from my side Sora asked me what I thought of Naminé. I answered that she was very artistic, friendly and honest and so on, but Sora interrupted me and asked if I thought of her at all in 'that' way. I answered that I have never thought of that. I clearly remember what he said next.

"_What do you mean you never thought of her 'that' way? Are you sick bro'?" Sora put his hand on my forehead._

"_What? Maybe she's just not my type?" I answered as I took away Sora's hand from my forehead._

_He looked a bit confused, "What exactly is your type of girl? So far I can remember you have never talked with me about whom you liked, is that because you don't trust me?"_

_A bit surprised, I starred at him, "What do you mean with that?"_

"_You heard me." Sora answered. "You have probably never told me about who you liked because you're afraid that I will steal her right? What kind of brother do you think I am?"_

"_Sora, what the hell are you talking about?! Just because I don't tell you everything doesn't mean-!"_

"_Why can't you trust me?!" Sora interrupted me. "I'm your brother for fuck's sake!"_

"_Sora, would you just listen?!" I yelled back at him. "The reason why I haven't talked with you about girls is because I haven't liked one okay?!"_

_Sora sneered contemptuous at me, "I don't believe a shit of what you're saying. Everyone likes someone!"_

"_It's true!" I said._

"_Stop lying okay!?" Sora said and got up from his bed and walked to the door._

"_Sora, wait!" I said and got up from the bed walked past him and stood in the way for him to the door. "You have to listen to me!"_

_Sora crossed his arms, "Listen to more of your lies? No thank you, now move."_

"_No! Sora, I'm telling you the truth!"_

_Sora looked even more annoyed, "No you're not." _

"_Sora would you just…! Shut up and listen?!" I yelled at him._

_Sora groaned and sat down on his bed._

"_It's true that I have never liked a girl in my whole life, if I did, of course I would have told you! You're my brother!_

_Sora looked at the roof, "Oh that's strange. Why isn't the fire alarm going? After all, I see that's someone's pants are on fire!" He got up again and walked toward me and the door. He pushed me aside and grabbed the doorknob, I guess that's when he pushed me over the limit._

"_Just because I have never liked a girl doesn't mean I never liked anyone! That's the reason why I haven't talked to you about which girls I liked! Because I don't like girls, okay!? And the reason why I didn't tell you about who I liked was because I thought I was just kidding myself, but then I realized that I'm not and I couldn't stop thinking that there's something wrong with me! THERE! THERE'S YOUR FUCKING ANSWER!" I yelled at him. I walked to the door, pushed Sora to the side. He slammed in to the bookshelf, but I was so frustrated that I didn't bother apologize. I slammed the door open and stormed out from our room, our from our school building. _

I clearly remember that it snowed that day too. I sighed as I looked up to the sky. Snowflakes were falling slowly on me and everything around. As I was about to cross the street the lights turned red. I groaned as I looked around and saw no cars so I decided to jaywalk. I kinda am a jaywalker, but mostly when there are no cars around. I started to walk a little faster when I saw the bus station. As I arrived there I looked at the clock. Damn it, 45 minutes. Both me and my brother still lives at our parents, but Sora's planning to move out with Kairi. I don't hate my brother, it's just that I hate being compared with him all the time by everyone, especially by my parents. I can't wait to move out… If only I had a place to go… If I could, I would move out, tell them the truth that they are shitheads, that I'm gay and then say up contact with them. But for that I need enough money to take care of myself and somewhere to live. I sat down on the bench and drank a little from my chocolatte. Then I saw someone a few meters away that made the winter weather feel like a desert. I recognized that person immediately. He had red flaming hair, a black jacket with red flames on it, emerald green eyes and strange birthmarks on his cheeks. Axel. The butterflies inside me started to fly around like it was summer. I tried to act cool.

"Yo!" He said and raised his hand. "I knew you'd be here."

"Eh?!" Was he looking for me? What for? "Why's that?"

He put his hand in his pocket and dug after something, "Here" he said and handed over a very familiar cell phone. "I found it in the changing room and saw that it was yours."

I grabbed and smiled a little, "Thanks…"

Axel sat down next to me, "No problem." He said and leaned back and put his hands behind his head for comfort.

I looked at him, "Why are you still here?" I asked, and suddenly realized that it sounded rude, "I'm not being rude or so, but you live here in the city."

Axel looked back at me, "Yeah I know, but I enjoy your company and I don't have so much going on for the rest of the day so I might as well hang out with you."

I was really happy hearing that, I could throw myself at him and cuddle him to death, but instead I tried to remain cool. "Thanks."

Axel smiled at me. "So what are you doing for Christmas?"

I sighed, "I'll probably work then… I don't like celebrating it with my parents who are assholes… And you? Let me guess, you'll go to some party with Larxene and Demyx?"

Axel sighed, "Probably… I dunno… Maybe I'll work a little too…"

"Can you feel the holiday spirit within us?" I said with sarcasm. Axel laughed a little.

"Well, I don't have any family to celebrate with, so what choice do I have than to celebrate with my friends?"

I looked down to the ground. Feeling a bit ashamed judging Axel to fast. "Sorry, didn't think of that…"

"No problem." Axel answered, "Just give me the rest of your Chocolatte and I'll forget what you said."

I handed him the mug. "Not everything."

"But almost." He replied and drank a lot. "Here" he said and gave me the last of the drink.

As I was about to drink it he interrupted me. "You know…" Axel said, "The last of the drink is almost mostly saliva. So if you drink that, it will be like drinking my saliva…" He moved closer to me, "Which will be almost like kissing me." I looked at him in surprise. What the hell did he mean with that?!?!?!

He moved back again, "So are you sure you want that?" I sighed, "You asshat…" I answered. He looked at me a bit surprised but then he started to laugh. Sometimes Axel also enjoys mocking me. I groaned and returned to drink the rest of the Chocolatte.

"So you don't have any thing against kissing me?" he said. In shock, I spit out the Chocolatte I had in my mouth. Axel laughed and I looked away since I felt my cheeks getting warmer. There was a brief moment of silence before Axel got up and stood in front of me. "Want to grab a new one?" he asked and pointed with his thumb to the café. I got up from the bench as a yes and we walked to the café. When we were going to cross the street, the light turned red and there were too many cars to jaywalk. I blew my hands to get them warmer and cursed myself for not getting any gloves.

"You know…" Axel said and lowered his head to whisper in my ear, "A kiss will raise the body temperature. You wanna?"

"WHAT?!? AXEL?!?!" I yelled out and starred at him. He laughed at my reaction.

"Hahahaha! Damn, you're so funny to tease!" he continued to laugh. I punched him on his arm, "You asshole!" I said

He patted me on the head. "Okay, okay, enough with the jokes today then."

I sighed annoyed and then the lights finally turned green and we crossed the street. "So…" I started to say. "Are you going to drink on that party you'll be going to on Christmas?"

Axel looked at me, and then he looked away again and sighed, "Probably… yeah…"

I sighed once more and looked at the fog I exhaled. "You know, you can have fun without being drunk… And you'll remember what was so fun too…" I said as I started to walk a little faster.

"Well, some things are never meant for some too know." Axel said. "And there is a good-tasting drink that can erase memories!"

I groaned and looked at him with doubt, "You can't forget everything…"

Axel grinned a bit unsure and put his hands behind his head, "That's true, but it's easier to forget stuff faster that the brain filters away in time. Like, what color of the shirt you were wearing yesterday, what day it is and so on."

"Drinking is stupid, okay?" I said, "You should stop with it."

Axel patted me on my head, "Someday you'll learn to co-operate with the taste."

I sighed, "I swear… on your wedding day you'll become so drunk that on your hang-over next day you probably don't even remember that you got married or who the hell your wife is…"

"Then I'll get a divorce, but then it won't be so painful for me right since I don't remember her." Axel said.

"You're a jerk Axel…"

Axel smiled a little as he pushed the door open to the café, "Tell me who doesn't think that."


	2. Dec 22! Sign me up!

Me + sick + watching scrubs more than 24 hours + random crack in brain + drawing too much AkuRoku This story…

Friday – December 21

The days seem to go even slower when you have something too look forward too. But also when you absolutely don't want something to happen that will happen in s few coming days. In fact, 3 days, if you count this one as a day. Even the best song on your mp3 doesn't even help pass time. Fortunately for me, there is a way of passing time and that's hanging in the cafeteria. There's always someone you know there and there's always something going on there. After I helped Xigbar x-ray a stupid old man that slipped on an ice patch we both walked to the cafeteria. Zexion stood there behind the counter polishing the cups. He seemed quite annoyed. The reason was quite obvious. A laughing Axel and Demyx were sitting at the counter enjoying their break. Sometimes I wonder if they fool around in the hospital more than working… They always seem to be at the cafeteria. Then Axel looked at my direction. As fast as our eyes meet my cheeks turned a little warmer. And I quickly looked down.

"Ey! Roxas, Xigbar! Over here!" Axel waved with his hand like an idiot.

Demyx seemed to react on Xigbar's name and he started to act even more like an idiot like Axel, shouting Xiggy instead.

I heard a sigh come from Xigbar. Oh my, if Demyx would have heard that he'd be as broken as a broken glass that felt from the Statue of Liberty… We walked up to them, but then Xigbar instead went directly to Zexion to order instead of greeting them back. Demyx seemed a little hurt by this, but Axel didn't seem too careless. "Roxy!" Axel said and tackle hugged me.

"What the fuck?! Axel!" I said as I felt the warmth spread through my face and I tried to free myself from his hug. I tried even harder after seeing Demyx's smug grin on his face. I just want to swipe that grin away by telling him that Xigbar didn't seem to like him, but that just seems to mean, so I let Demyx have his way for now.

"Axel, let go off me." I said and looked at him. He let go off me with a sigh and then grinned as large as Demyx did. They both looked like idiots… They both stopped grinning like idiots when Xigbar sat down next to Demyx, with a large purple cup in his hand. Axel spun his chair to Zexion. "Hey Zexy!" Axel called to him. "Refill please! Chai Latte for me and Cappuccino for Demyx."

Sexy?!?! What the fuck?!? Axel, you hit on me yesterday and now you're hitting on Zexion?! And I thought there was absolutely nothing going on with you two. Zexion doesn't really like Axel and Axel just like to tease Zexion, so why is he calling him sexy?! I'm so confused.

"What's up Roxy?" Axel said. I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts temporary and listen to what Axel said. "You look like you want to strangle someone. Do you want some Chocolatte?"

"Eh?" I blush a little in surprise. "N-no, I'm fine. I can order one myself."

"Here you go." Zexion said and handed me a large blue cup. Then he gave Demyx a blue cup and Axel a red cup. Demyx fiddled with his cup, and then he looked at Xigbar and smiled, "So… how has your day been Xiggy?"

Xigbar looked a bit annoyed and surprised at him, "What's up with all the stupid new nicknames?" he asked.

Both Axel and Demyx looked surprised at first but then they grinned at each other. A loud sigh was heard from the person behind the counter. "They have been talking about it for almost an hour. Giving everybody a new nickname and talking about what colour fits that person the most and so on… And they even forced me to only give you the cups in that specific colour that 'suits you best.'"

"That's right!" Axel said cheerfully and grabbed me with his arm. "You're Roxy, Zexion is Zexy, Demyx is Demy or Dem Dem, we're having a hard time deciding that and Xigbar is Xiggy!"

Oh… that's why he called Zexion Zexy. And I thought he said sexy. I feel kinda stupid now. "But what about your name Axel?"

Axel looked a bit surprised, "Well… since my name is so short we made ourselves a special nickname each."

I doubt it's any good nickname… "So what is it?" I really do…

Axel gleamed as he raised his hand to do a superior pose, "My nickname is 'Super duper mega special awesome gleaming fireman!"

"…You've got to be kidding" Xigbar said. At least he could say something. I was too shocked to say anything, my head just got empty with words. "You… can't be serious…" I finally got out after about 5 minutes starring at Axel.

"Dude, I'm totally serious!" Axel said and knocked me on the head, "Don't you think it's cool?"

I sighed and looked away, "I rather call you 'Tambourine man'…"

Axel stopped knocking, "Roxy! That's seriously harsh!"

"Stop calling me Roxy!" I said and tried to hide me blush by looking more frustrated than what I was. I don't know. It was a weird feeling having Axel calling me Roxy. A little embarrassing but… Kinda cute too…

"What is the fun of having a nickname but not using it?" Axel said.

"It's different from having a nickname that you like than one that embarrasses you…" I sighed. Axel sighed too and pouted out his lips in disappointment. "So you don't like your nickname Roxy?"

Uh, what should I answer? It's not like I hate it, but its embarrassing being called it in front of the others. "Eh… I prefer you use my name instead of that nickname." I said unsurely. Stop pouting Axel.

"Aaaaw, but I like calling you Roxy, it really fits calling you something that sounds cute!" smiled sweetly. What the?! Giving such a cute smile for nothing, I felt that on my side the blush spread on a second to all my face. I don't even have to act cool now, since I have absolutely nothing to say. Oh, god! This is embarrassing! The cup of Chocolatte became very more interesting to look at now than everything, especially when I can't even look at Axel right now. If someone could just talk and buy me more time to gain my cool that would be great, as long as Demyx or someone else starts the mocking again.

"Axel, Demyx, you haven't told me what you did earlier today before you went straight to the Cafeteria as usual." I heard Zexion say. I looked to the right and saw Zexion leaning on the counter to Axel and Demyx. They both looked and Zexion, but he acted like normal. Axel scratched his neck, "Eh… well… We took care of our patients and then we teased Saïx about him kissing the chef's butt and so on, but we had to stop because then he went berserk and we had to flee." Both Axel and Demyx grinned. Xigbar sighed, "Do you guys always have to fool around in the hospital? You know that if you have nothing to do you can always sign up for some extra work."

Demyx cheeks turned a little pink, "Eh, I know, but… We're not so bright for such things… since the extra work is much harder than our regular work."

"Well, why not start working half time and start study?" Xigbar said and drank his coffee. "I-I guess you have a point." Demyx said, first looking at the roof then looking at his Cappuccino. "But we're not exactly the study people." Axel added. "Right now we are satisfied with our work. Of course it can become improved. It always does. It just comes in a slow pace when it's us. And we are not ashamed of that!" Axel poked Xigbar on the nose. Demyx smiled weakly while Axel smiled proudly. "Too slowly." I heard Zexion whisper for himself. Even though I really like Axel, it was almost impossible for me to share side with him right now. All Axel and Demyx do was fool around in the hospital. But I guess that's what they like too do and are best at. "So how are you guys going to celebrate Christmas this year?" Axel said. My fingers twitched as I heard that question. First of all, I don't want to be reminded of what a crappy Christmas I will have this year. Second, I'm worried that the reason why Axel asked everyone was to drag more people to a party. I hate that Axel goes to so many parties, I'm worried that he might get hurt or so. I just wished that he would listen to me. "I haven't made up my mind about working or celebrate it with my family…" I sighed.

"Probably by myself, if I don't find a party to go to." Zexion said as he polished the last cup. Demyx got up from his seat and slammed his hands on the counter with excitement. "Zexy! I know were you can go to a party. There's going to be a party in the same building I, Axel and many others live in."

Zexion looked a little doubtful, "Eh, I'm not sure… We'll see."

"Oh come on it can't be bad." Demyx said and winked, "I mean, everyone in our building is going to that party and if you wanna go to a party why not this one? Of course you have to make up your mind like, today since we have to tell the host that we're bringing friends."

Zexion sighed and put away the cup, "We'll I guess I can come then."

"Great!" Demyx smiled, "More Cappuccino please!"

"Good thing you decided to come Zexy." Axel said. "You have no idea what heck of a party you would miss otherwise."

"Then… sign me up too."

It felt like everyone in the entire room looked at me. I gave everyone at the counter a quick glance. They didn't have too say anything, their facial expression said it for them. I sighed and got up from my seat. "I rather go to a party than just sit around on Christmas. Well, I'm done for the day now. I'll see you guys tomorrow." I put the money for the Chocolatte on the counter and then walked away. When I was out of sight for the people in the Cafeteria, I ran for my life to the changing room. _OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?! _ I quickly unlocked my locker, grabbed my stuff and quickly changed clothes. As usual, don't care about locking it before I go. And instead of going straight to the bus station I stopped at the café and grabbed a Chocolatte. Just as I was about to walk to the couches, the door slammed open. Everyone in the café turned around to see who it was who had slammed the door open. It was Axel and he must have just thrown on his jacket since he was still wearing the practical nurse clothes. He walked up to me and grabbed my arm. "You can't come to the party!" he said. I felt kinda split when he said so. One of the half just wanted to hug Axel since I was kinda moved that he seemed to care for me. But this time, the other half had a bigger impact on me. I pushed Axel away from me. He backed off a couple of steps and let go of me. "Don't tell me what to do." I said coldly as I walked to the couches. Axel walked after me and sat down on the couch that was opposite to me. "Hey you, listen up, okay? You can't go to the party!"

"I can do whatever I feel like doing." I replied coldly again. Is it that time again? Playing cold and hard-to-get? It feels like so and I'm surely acting that way to. Or maybe I just had enough from yesterday that apparently was Mocking Roxas Day. Axel sighed, "I don't want you to go okay? I don't think partying is something for you. It's shallow and pretty much everyone will be drinking so you might end up hurt or something."

"If you think that way, why do you party as much as you do then?"

Axel froze and there was a long moment of silence when both of us just starred at each other. But the staring contest ended when a red-haired girl walked up to us. "Does anyone want more coffee?" her question interrupted us. Both me and Axel looked at her. She smiled unsurely. "Sure, I'll have a cup." Axel said to her and then looked away.

"I have made up my mind. I will go to that party. Deal with it." I said and looked out of the window. I have to be strong, I can't give way for Axel all the time. Even if that means I have to start acting cold again towards Axel.


	3. Dec 23! Clearing the mind

I'm so happy! This month I'm going to buy the first season of Scrubs. The ordinary price is 329:- but it's now on sale so it just cost 149:-!!!

I'm so happy! Watching more Scrubs will probably speed up my writing a little or slow down! x3

We'll see! Anyways, here's chapter 3 :3

Saturday – December 23

Tomorrow's the party. And it will probably be one of my first parties when everyone will be drinking… except for me, or at least I'll try to stand against that. Maybe one cider or so… God damn it, I'm probably thinking too much. But it's probably only natural that I'm nervous, I hope. I just have no idea what to do right now. I've must gone through all of my clothes for the fifth time or so, but I just can't find something to wear. IT wasn't just a party, it is a party that's on Christmas, it is a party that Axel would go to and I would probably cling to him most of the time, if not all of the time… Then I have to look good, right? Fortunately for me, I had the day off at work, but I'm working during the day tomorrow. But that's fine since the party starts at 8 pm. It's a bit to early to freak out now in the morning. Maybe I should do this a bit later or maybe even tomorrow. I should spend my day of relaxing instead of flipping out about clothes. It's pathetic, I know that but still I freak out about it. I need to get out of here, just chill out.

The weather was quite good for being a December day, snowflakes slowly falling down from the ground and laid another thin white layer on the old snow. I dug up my iPod from my pocket and put the headphones on. I looked up in the sky before I pressed play and quickly put the iPod back in my pocket and began to walk away from my house to the bus stop. I was lucky that there was only 3 minutes left until the bus comes since the bus goes so more rarely on Saturdays than on weekdays. Even if the bench next to me was empty I stood up and leaned to the side of the black metal. The bus shelter was mostly of black metal and shattered glass here. They have almost stopped bothering replacing the broken glass since the youths here always breaks the glass. I saw the bus come in the distance so I stepped forward and took out my wallet from my pocket and waited for the bus to stop.

"I hate taking the bus…" I said for myself as the bus doors opened and I got on the bus.

The buss ride is always the same. I take a seat in the middle of the bus by the window. It would be strange for me if I suddenly sat at the back of the bus. I don't know why, probably because it's a habit I've gotten since I was still in school. It's not exactly boring to sit on the bus, but it's not fun either, the time just passes by with the flow of the music that uses up the battery of my iPod.

My cell phone rang as soon as I got off the bus and it took off.

"Hello?" I said as I answered the call and started to leave the bus station. To where, I don't know. I might just go around and look if there's anything interesting in the shops or so.

"_Yo! Is it Roxas?" _The voice sounded familiar. _"It's me Sora."_

"Oh, hey Sora." I replied. "What's up?"

"Well, I don't have to work for about a week and then I heard that you won't be celebrating Christmas with us this year so I thought that maybe we could hang out today or something."

I thought for a moment. Well, I wasn't exactly doing anything today so I guess there's no harm in hanging with my brother. "Sure why not. Are you in town?"

"_Yeah, I'm at the café Kairi's working in. The Bird's Song, you know?"_

I changed direction of where I was walking to and felt the wind to my face. "I'll be there in a few." I said before I hung up. That was probably rude but I'm not really a telephone person. I prefer to talk in person or write. As I was going to cross the street the light turned red like they always do when I get there. Probably karma I guess, I wasn't so good in school. Messing with everyone and crash stuff. Maybe that annoying girl in elementary school was right. Everything comes around at some point and that karma would eventually get me. After a few cars swished by the lights turned green and I walked over.

As I got closer to the café my steps became faster and faster and at the 3 steps to the door I almost ran up. I open the door quickly and it felt like everyone turned their head at my direction. Sora was sitting at the counter and Kairi was standing by the cashier. Their surprised faces both broke up in to smiles. "Roxas!" Sora greeted me cheerfully as he started to wave his arm in the air. "Over here!" Kairi waved at e to, but not as excitedly as Sora. I quickly walked over to where they were standing and leaned over at the counter. "Hey guys, what's up?" I said.

Kairi smiled, "Well, Sora's enjoying his day off to. Will you have the usual today Roxas?"

I nodded and sat down on the seat behind me. Sora looked at me, "What are your plans for Christmas, bro?"

I was surprised by the question I wasn't sure to answer so I drew out one of my most common replies to make him repeat himself to gain time to think about what to answer. "Eh?"

Sora looked a little bit annoyed, he sighed before he repeated his question. "Well, I was wondering what you're doing for Christmas since you're not celebrating with the rest of the family. That means that you must have some other plans, right?" Kairi looked a bit surprised by Sora's question, "You're celebrating Christmas somewhere else?"

What's up with the third degree? I'm sure Kairi didn't mean anything or so, but she just added to the pressure now. "I…" It was very hard to get the words in my head and out. "I'm celebrating it with my friends from work this year." I said. I tried to make it sound better than 'going to a party with my friends from work'. But somehow Sora heard it that way instead of what I said.

"So you're going to ditch the family so you can go out drinking? Damn it Roxas, I thought you weren't that kind of person!" Sora said and slammed the counter as he got up from his seat. "How do you think mom will react when I tell her about this?"

Sora wasn't the only one to be upset now. "So you're going to tell her now? Oh come on, a person can't stay goody-goody forever! I mean, one party is that so much? Can it be SO life changing as you act it will be?"

"There's a reason why you're going to this party right?" Sora asked.

I groaned as a sign to Sora to fuck off, but he wasn't satisfied with my answer, so I gave him a new one, "That's none of your business…" and swung back to the left facing my chocolatte and trying to ignore Sora.

"It's because of that Axel guy, isn't it?"

I froze. How the hell did he know, I mean… people say I'm quite obvious about my feelings for him but I don't remember Sora meeting Axel so how would he know?

"I saw you with a guy about two days ago. I was heading home early when I saw you guys walk down the street probably heading for the café."

I sighed, in desperate hopes of trying to shake Sora of the right trail that he was on. "What makes you think that I would go there because of hi--?"

"Do you love him?"

I barely got to finish my sentence before Sora interrupted me with that sentence. I jerked backwards, almost fell down the chair upon realizing what Sora was asking. "Uh… excuse me?"

"Well, do you?"

I sighed once more and got up from my seat, "Did mom send you here to find out what I'm doing for Christmas or someone? I don't really feel like being questioned right now." I grabbed my chocolatte, put some money on the counter for Kairi and headed out from the café. Sora quickly caught up to me.

"What?!" I asked as I turned around to face him, "What the hell do you want?!"

"You still haven't answered my question." Sora said and walked up to me, "Do you love him?" He asked.

"Why would I? Axel's my best friend!" I answered. "Why would I be in love with him?"

"Because when I saw you guys, it was like you were the only ones in town! There was something about both of you that just seemed to click and love sparks flying all over! You looked happier than you would if you've won millions of munny on a lottery or so."

I froze, it felt like it was the millionth time me doing so today. Maybe it was? "I…"

Sora smiled weakly, "It's okay for you to be happy, so why are you not going after him? He seems to feel the same way too."

I shook my head and looked at the ground, "I… It's just that… I-I'm not sure how I feel about him… If I love him…"

Sora sighed, "Really?"

"Everyone says it's love, but I'm not sure, I've never been in love… I've just really liked someone, but that's it. I've liked him like forever, but is it love? I don't know…"

He sighed once more. A cloud sipped out from Sora's mouth, he looked at it and when it disappeared he looked at me and said, "Go to him."  
"Eh?"

He looked down then he looked up at me again and smiled, "Go to him. Find out how you truly feel about him."

I thought for a moment, is meeting him really going to clear the cloud above me? "I…"

"I have a strong feeling that it will clear your mind up." He said.

What the hell am I doing here? I looked up on the apartment block that I knew some of my friends lived in. And I knew that there was a particular person who lived in there who I had to meet. I looked at the names of the people who lived here and when I found the name I was looking for I pressed the small silver button next to it. A sharp buzz was heard and then a clicking noise.

"_Eh, hello?"_ a familiar voice said.

"Demyx, it's you right?" I asked and waited for an answer.

"_Eh, yeah it's me, duuh, you buzzed on my and Axel's name!" _he replied.

"Is Axel there?" I asked, there was a slight pause before he answered.

"_Uh… yeah, he's here. He's a bit tired from his shift. Why?"_

Damn it! I thought for a moment and started to fidget with my jacket sleeves and fingers, "I… I have to see him, can you ask him if it's alright?"

"_Hold on."_ Demyx said. I waited a while for him to return. _"Uh, he wants to know what you want."_

I sighed, "It's important okay? I…" I stopped for a moment. Took a deep breath before I continued, "I can't say it out here."

Silence… Demyx probably went to tell Axel the message.

"_He says fine."_ I sighed with relief. _"I'll open the door now ok? I'll meet you in the hallway, I was on my way out."_

Another sharp buzz and then the door clicked. I quickly opened the door and walked in to the building. I walked up a couple of stairs before I meet Demyx on top of the last one.

"Yo!" he said and waved at me. I waved silent back. "See you tomorrow!" he said cheerfully as he ran down the stairs. I wonder where he's going? But he was smiling so widely so it had to be something really positive. Maybe he got a new song he wants Xigbar to listen to or something... Anyway, I continued up the last couple of stairs and continued through the corridor until I arrived at the door, 24b. I knocked on the door and waited a couple of seconds. Or minutes. I'm not sure, but it felt like forever. Then finally I heard footsteps on the other side of the door. Some mumbling whilst fixing the lock, it was probably Axel. As he opened the door I felt how the smell of cigarettes penetrated through my nose in an uncomfortable way, which made me cough and hope that it would be over soon. Then I looked up and saw Axel standing at the doorway. He had an irritated look on his face and a cigarette hanging out from his mouth. He had a large t-shirt on and jeans that was way too much pulled down almost showing all his underwear. "What?" he said, in an irritated tone such as his face. I felt more nervous but got a grip and said, "I have to talk to you about something very important."  
Axel sighed and moved away from the doorway as a sign that I'm allowed to come in.

"So what do you want?" Axel said as he walked towards the fridge and grabbed two sodas. He tossed one at me and I caught it. "I have to find out something, something very important…"

Axel opened the soda and finished it quickly and threw it in the thrash. "And that's?"

I looked at him, "What?"

"What is this important thing that you have to find out?" Axel asked with a small irritated tone in his voice. I looked at the right, too embarrassed to look straight at him as I wondered if I should just spit it out or think up some lie. Automatically I started to think up a lie.

"C-can I… Can I stay with you over the night?" I asked.

Axel looked surprised at me, "Eh, say _whaaaat_?"

I looked down at the ground and tried to play it cool, "My parents aren't that happy with me going to a Christmas party with people they don't know. So I just simply told them to fuck off and now I don't have anywhere to stay."

There was a silence before I heard a laughter come from Axel. I looked over at him and saw him laugh, which made my fear fade away and I smiled back at him. "Well, you can stay here until you find some new place to go. I don't think Demyx will mind." He walked over to the sofa and sat down. As I walked up to him from behind he turned on the TV and relaxed. I'm not sure how long I stood there watching Axel watching the TV before I found the courage to ask him.

"Where will I be sleeping?"

Axel turned around and looked a little surprised at me. "Uh well, you can sleep in my room if you want to." He said and then returned to watching the TV.

"With you?" I asked, more surprised about me sounding so cool about it.

Axel laughed, "No you dumb nut!" he said, "I'll sleep on the couch."

"Y-you're sure? I mean, after all, I'm the one who'll be leeching on you for a while."

"I don't see it as leeching." Axel said and smiled, "I see it as helping a friend."

I felt how the warmth spread through my face and how I bolted to Axel's room mumbling random things that didn't make any sense and closed the door. I stood there and leaned to the door, feeling a bit sad. I was happy that my plan had succeeded but…

"He just sees my like a friend…" I said as my body sank to the floor as my heart sank down further and further in to a place with no hope.

"Roxas?" I heard a voice on the other side of the door. I immediately looked up as soon as I heard the familiar voice say my name, just like someone lights a lighter. The feelings rushed through me again. _'How can people be happy about being in love when the person you love doesn't like you back… and that there's absolutely zero percents chance of anything changing…_' I got up from were I had been sitting for, I dunno, forever? I turned the door know and opened the door gently. I saw Axel standing there, ha had a headband on him now to keep the hair away from his face. "Hey, I'm thinking about doing some dinner, have anything that you would like to have?"

"No, anything's fine…" I said as I was about to run around and close the door, but Axel stopped the door and followed me in to the room. I felt more uncomfortable with him in the room. "Wh-what do you want now?" I said and groaned. "Leave me alone."

"Well, yeah… I want many things." Axel said and closed the door and then looked straight at me. "But that doesn't mean that I'll get them all."

My fear rose as he walked closer to me, I almost felt paranoid. His eyes drilled though me and I backed away as he stepped forward.

"Why did you lie about coming here?" he said.  
Inside I froze, but my feet continued to move backwards to maintain a distance from Axel.

"Wha-eh-I… uhm…" was the only thing I could get out from me at this moment.

I continued to walk back slowly, but Axel walked up to me faster. Maybe I was just paranoid but. Alone with Axel, it was dark outside. Huh? Oh shit, I've must have fallen asleep at the door earlier or so. Alone with Axel in his bedroom, it was dark outside and Demyx wasn't at the apartment. And a bed. Yes, a bed. _'Shit.'_

Then I fell backwards as I hit the bed. I continued to crawl back. But then Axel grabbed my foot and crawled on top of me.

"Ah-Axel?!" I said.

"Roxas," Axel said as he moved closer to me. My heart beat so fast and hard I almost got a little paranoid that he could hear. I felt how the flush on my face spread through my face and changed from a hundred of different shades of red before it stopped on the specific 'tomato red'. My hands got warmer and almost slippery from all the hand sweat. It felt like forever before Axel continued to talk, but I think it just was my anxiety that made me feel that. "You came here for a reason, right?"

I jerked away from Axel and froze, "I already told you why I came here…" I wasn't sure what to really answer, but I guess that lie will have to do. The best answers will pop up in my head tomorrow when I've seen this scene play through my head like a hundreds times and when I'm calm and not panicking like I'm now. His serious face slowly gave away a gentle smile. "Roxas, everybody knows you're a terrible liar." Once again, he slowly moved closer to me. This whole thing was just getting more and more awkward. I just wanted to shove him away for me and yell 'Personal space, please?!' or something like that, but my ability to speak flies away to Hawaii when I'm flipping out like this. I don't remember being this close to Axel. Well, once I gave him a quick peck on the cheek before I then ran off in embarrassment, but that doesn't really count since now we were technically sharing the same air and breathing in for each other, but I didn't feel his body but I still felt his body warmth, this was driving me crazy. Even so, I loved this strong unfamiliar feeling but got a little annoyed on myself as I felt that I craved more. Just as I closed my eyes I felt how I was shoved back and landed on the bed. When I opened my eyes I saw Axel pin me down and grabbed my wrists to prevent me from getting up from the bed. I tried to sit up but was restricted from doing so by Axel's position. My heart was racing and beating out of time. But I barely had anytime to think for I suddenly found myself thrown in to bliss. And without even stopping to think clearer I tossed my arms around Axel as he deepened the kiss and slowly lowered me down until I felt myself lying on the bed. I don't know for how long we went on, but suddenly when my mind was clearer I pushed Axel away and starred at him.

"What? Never been kissed before?" he smirked and bent down for another kiss.

'_Do you love him?' _

Sora's and my conversation played over and over in my head and slightly distracted me from Axel. Axel seemed to notice that and stopped kissing my neck and looked at me. "What's wrong?" he asked. I gave him a quick look and then kissed his nose to tease, "Nothing, just thinking about some stuff."  
He planted a trail of kisses down my neck, "You know you're _not_ supposed to think about stuff that will distract you when making out or anything like that." He slowly moved up and found a sensitive spot slightly beneath the ear. I jerked back as I gasped, Axel looked at me and smiled. "Was that a sensitive spot?"  
"Hey shut up…" I said and laughed a little before we returned to kissing.

_'Well, do you?'_

"Oh, shut up…" I mumbled for myself. Axel looked a bit surprised, but I just acted as normal and bent a little forward to kiss his neck. I gained a small laughter and a relived sign from Axel. I got a little bothered from his laughter though, it's not like this is Disney land fun. Well, this is fun but not laughter fun. Axel then placed his index finger underneath my chin and pulled me in to another kiss and started to fidget with my shirt before he tried to lift it over my head to get it off. Axel tried to break the kiss while I forced him to keep going, I wasn't sure that I wanted to do this, but I didn't really have the courage to spit that out directly. I have already rejected Axel so much that he got tired of me and now I have another chance to be with him that I actually don't deserve. I don't want to screw this up. If I say no now, he'll probably leave again…  
"Roxas was wrong?" I heard Axel's voice.  
"Eh…?" I looked surprised at him. The anxiety must have made me drift off in thoughts. "I-I'm sorry…" I apologized and bent forward to kiss him. Strangely Axel didn't respond to the kiss. I looked at him and saw that he had a serious face for no apparent reason. "What's wrong?" I asked and started to kiss him on the neck. But then we pushed me away and looked at me seriously, "Roxas, if anyone is supposed to ask that question it should be me."  
I was confused by Axel's question. Maybe he knew why I didn't let him take the rest of my clothes off, oh god, what will he do now?  
"Look, if you don't want to do this we don't have to." He said and bent down from the bed and grabbed his t-shirt and put it on.  
"Wh-what? N-no, what are you doing? Let's continue!" I said and grabbed his arm to stop him from picking up his clothes from the floor. He looked at me and smiled gently before he kissed me on my forehead. "Roxas I'm not planning to leave you or something. But I'm not doing this with you if you don't want to."  
The warmth spread through my face as well as within me. I was really touched by that he cared for me and wasn't going to force me to do this if I didn't want to, but I still kinda felt sorry for Axel since he wanted to. "Well…" I said a bit shyly as I watched him put back his clothes, "How did you know that… I didn't want to have s-sex?"  
Axel fixed his shirt before he looked at me. "Well, first of all, you stopped me x number of times from removing our clothes, second of all you spaced out a few times looking all worried and such."  
I felt how the flush spread more through my face. I didn't know it was so obvious, I never intended it to be. Axel laughed a little and kissed me softly on the cheek. "Well do it when you feel ready." He got up from the bed and left the room, leaving me behind.  
I just stared empty at the door before I bent down to get my clothes. I was happy that he didn't force me, but I still felt guilty since he wanted it. I swiftly put on my clothes before I headed out from the bedroom in to the kitchen. Axel was standing at the stove with a frying pan.  
"Do you like pancakes?" he asked.

'_Do you love him?' _

I sighed and looked at the ground before I looked up and smiled Axel.   
"Of course I do…" I whispered for myself.


	4. Dec 24! Here's for a lausy Christmas!

Oh my… gawds… I've been working on this chapter A LOT. Even in school. There I got paranoid if someone was watching when I wrote… ehm… never mind, here's the chapter I've been working my ass of for you, so I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

Sunday - Dec 24

"Good morning sleepyhead!"

Axel pulled away the curtains and let the sun in. I quickly pulled the blanket over my head, but Axel pulled away the blanket from me. I curled up as my body where exposed to the cold room. I groaned and hid my head beneath my pillow. Or, mine and mine, Axel's pillow. "Get up!" Axel said and pushed me to the floor. Even though I hit the floor I still felt all sleepy and just wanted to go back to sleep. When he started to tug my leg I tried to kick him back. I barely hit him once, but Axel let go of me with a groan. "Roxas, if you don't get up at this instant, I swear, I will kick you so hard in the nuts that you will have to fuck sideways for the rest of your life!"  
I whined as I slowly got up and tried to get used with the morning light. Axel reached out a hand for me to grab and then pulled me up. I rubbed my eyes and looked around in the room only to be surprised by Axel's kiss. It was short, but nice. I wonder why he did that. Does it mean we're a couple now?

"Blergh! Morning breath!" Axel said and stuck out his tongue from his mouth. I laughed a little, my voice was all hoarse from the night before. We had talked all night and I have never opened up like that my entire life. I punched Axel's arm, but he countered the hit by pulling me in to a warm hug. I had my arms around his neck and purred as I dug my face in to his neck and flaming red hair, breathing in so much Axel that my lungs had the capacity to. Then I let out a sigh of how happy I was. "Hey Roxy, are you always this hard to wake?" I heard Axel ask. I let out a small chuckle before I looked at his face and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. It was my first time kissing Axel first, but it felt like I have done it a millions of times before. I tried to shake of that feeling, but it seemed like it didn't want to leave, like it was something important to remind me of something. The kiss ended with Axel pulling away. "Okay, we really have to do something about your breath!"

I slapped his chest jokingly and pushed him away, smiling, "Shut up!" I said and walked to the door with Axel walking behind me. I got a chock when I walked out of the room and saw who was standing in the kitchen.  
"Good morning!" a cheerful Demyx said, he didn't seem to at all share the same feeling I did. He stood there by the stove cooking something for breakfast. I turned around and looked at Axel, who just looked confused by my look.  
"What's wrong?" Axel whispered and glanced furtively at Demyx hoping that we wouldn't be so suspicious.  
"Has he been here the entire the night?" I hissed at him. Axel looked more confused.  
"No, he got here this morning." Axel whispered back, "Why?"  
"Because it's suspicious if I'm here before him and that I'm asleep when he got here!" I hissed back. Axel looked a little offended.  
"Hey, I tried to wake you up, you know…" Axel said, looking more irritated and didn't bother whisper anymore.  
"I'm not that hard to wake!" I hissed more angrily, but still not so loud that Demyx in the kitchen would hear.  
"Hey guys, lunch is ready!" Demyx called at them and smiled, "You lovebirds can have your private conversation later!"  
Axel groaned. If it was because of me or Demyx comment I don't know. Probably me.  
Then it hit me.  
"Lunch?" I asked, "Uhm, Dem, it's breakfast that is the first meal of the day…"  
Demyx turned around and looked at me and Axel. He had a spoon sticking out of his mouth. He took it out and said, "Yeah, I'm not _that_ stupid. I ate breakfast several hours ago." He brought the food to the table. Axel and I walked up to the table. "But…" I started to say, still confused over that it was lunchtime already.  
"Axel tried to wake you up like hundreds of times, ya know? But I guess his bed was too comfortable for getting you up from it." Demyx laughed, "Or maybe he tired you out so much from the night before that you needed to rest!"  
"Shut up Demyx!" Axel snapped. I sighed over how awkward this whole thing was.  
Our meaningless little fight had me more wondering if we were a couple since I hadn't gotten a clear answer from Axel yet.  
"Shoot!" Demyx suddenly said, "I'm late!"  
"Late for what?" Axel asked between his bites. He seemed to have calmed down from Demyx previous comment.  
"Chew with your mouth closed." I commented him. He answered back with a 'yeah, whatever' look on his face and then he returned to Demyx, who seemed a little nervous. He was soon finished with the food on his plate. "Uhm, nothing special… I'm supposed to meet a friend by now."  
Axel observed Demyx behavior.  
"Oh?" he said teasingly. "A date, perhaps?" he asked as he raised one eyebrow.  
Demyx body made an uncomfortable twitch. The only sound heard was Axel's soft chuckling. Demyx got up from his chair and placed his dishes in the sink. Axel didn't stop chuckling but when Demyx turned around with a serious look on his face the laughter stopped. I expected a shy blushing Demyx that would shout 'Cut it out!' or something like that, but he looked more bored…  
"If I had a date, I would have started to prepare myself hours ago and would absolutely don't have any time making you guys lunch."  
Brunch for me that is… I don't know I'm usually not so hard to wake up.  
"Anyways, I really have to go now, I'll see you guys later at the party or before." Demyx said and grabbed his jacket and left the apartment with his usual grin.  
"Do you really think he's going to meet a friend?" Axel asked after Demyx left.  
I looked at him, "Huh?"  
"I'm curious… I think he has a date…" Axel said and had his thumb and index finger under his chin.  
"So?" I said and finished the last of my food on the plate, "I don't care, but if you do then I guess you can find out by yourself."  
"Oh, come on Roxy!" Axel said as he got up from the chair.  
I sighed, "No way, you'll have to do this on your own." I said and got up from my seat and placed my plate among with my fork in the dish. I heard a sigh from Axel, but I chose to ignore it.  
"Anyways, I'm going to work a little before the party." I said and grabbed my jacket.  
Axel looked at me, "Why? Its Christmas today."  
"That's right, dumbass. This means double salaries today since we're short staffed on the hospital and not many people want to work." I poked his nose before I closed my jacket.  
I started heading to the door before Axel interrupted me, "Hey, do you think that I should go to?"  
I looked at him again, "Well, if you want to. I'm not forcing you."  
"Alright, but it sounds like a good idea." Axel said and nodded.  
"Right, I have to say good choice. Spying on Demyx for trying to see if he's on a date sounds pretty dumb…"  
"Oh, shoot! I forgot that!" Axel said almost immediately after I finished my previous sentence.  
And with that, I sighed and left Axel's apartment.

The wind was surprisingly cold as it hit my face when I stepped out from the apartment block. There's a twenty minute walk from here to the hospital, but even though it was freezing as hell I decided to skip the bus and walk. I dug up my iPod and cursed over the fact that it was low on batteries, but then again, I'm not allowed to listen to music at work and the batteries should be able to hang on 'til I get to the hospital area. I wonder what this day would be like… Probably the same as usual during winters, accidents due to slippery ice, heart attacks and so on.

I groaned as I closed the door to patient in room number three. He once again made very strange jokes when I entered the room. Today had been a stressful day since we were a little under staffed and that Axel was screwing around even more than he normally does together with Demyx. I walked back with the cart to the storage room.  
"Hi Roxas!" a female voice said.  
I looked behind me, but didn't see anyone so I continued to the storage room and placed the cart in the corner.  
"I said, hi Roxas!" The same voice said. I turned around gain and saw a girl, shorter than me and with blonde hair.

"Namine?"

She smiled, she was currently working at the hospital since she was painting the walls and making the place cozier.

"You know what, sometimes I think you're both blind and deaf, Roxas." She said. I smiled weakly back at her. She walked over to me, "So, I see that you're working as hard as usual even on Christmas."

"Yeah," I replied and picked up a towel that had fallen down and put it in basket.

Namine looked at me, "So I guess you're not celebrating with your family, huh?"  
"Yeah," I replied shortly. It was not that I didn't like Namine, it was just that we had this story behind us, which made me a little uncomfortable around her. She's a great friend but I can't help feeling like that.

"Just don't overwork, okay?" She said and turned around. She stopped at the door, "So, what are you wishing for this Christmas?"

I looked at her and thought for a moment, "I'm not sure."  
There was a short silence.

"…I see," she said before she walked out the door. Then she turned around and smiled at me before she closed the door.

I thought about Namine, that we're really good friends and have no problem writing or talking to each other on the phone. But that it got really awkward when we met in person. It's probably just me. If I were going to describe me in one word it would be the word different.

Even Zexion at the hospital's café was home. He was probably celebrating with his family before he headed to the party pretty much every one was going to. But his assistant was there today. A guy in his eighteens and moved away from the city his parents lived in to study. He only worked on the weekends and holidays since the rest of the time he was in school. I bought a chocolatte to go and then I left the hospital for the day. It had started to snow a little, but since there was plus outside the snowflakes melted in mid air. I thought if I was going to head home to change clothes and then go to the party, but my thoughts blanked out when I saw Sora and Kairi at the café. It was closed so I wondered what there where doing there. I ran up to the café and knocked on the door to get their attention. Both of them turned around and smiled when they saw me. Kairi ran up and unlocked the door, "Hey Roxas! What are you doing here?" she asked cheerfully.

"Well, I was heading home from the hospital when I saw you guys and thought that I ought to say hi." I replied. I walked over to the couch that Sora was sitting in and sat on the one opposite to him. Kairi skipped back next to Sora and he put his arm around her. I couldn't help feeling a little jealous since they were so cute together and that I didn't really have anyone to be with like that. Well, maybe Axel, I'm still not sure. I tried really hard only to reply on the messages I get from Axel first and not be the one to send the first message. I'm not sure why, but I don't want to seem so desperate for him. I stayed with them for while and talked about various things. Then suddenly there was another knock on the door. We all looked there and saw tall guy with white hair that reached further down than to his shoulders.

"Riku!" Sora said and leaped up from the couch and opened the door. Riku was greeted by a glom from Sora and walked in together with a couple of snowflakes that fell in through the gap of the door. It had started to snow a little more than before when I was outside. Riku's actually a good guy, but I don't get along with him so much. He's Sora's best friends and has been that since they were small. I was actually a little scared of Riku when I was small and I sometimes I still am. The two best friends retuned to the couch with Sora sitting down to Kairi and Riku next to me. We talked a little more again before Kairi got up to refill our cups. Riku looked over at the door, "There's a gap that let's in the snow and cold air."

Sora got up and looked at the door. As he examined the door, he first tiptoed and held his hand at the top of the door and then bent down. Riku quickly assisted Sora by pointing to the ground. "See? There's quite a gap over there," he said, "Maybe you should cover that with a carpet until you fix that."  
Sora got up and scratched his neck, "Yeah, guess so…"  
"You should tell Kairi about this. It could really help them lower their bills."  
"That's true…" Sora said and bent down next to the door again.

As I made my way to the kitchen I headed straight to the fridge. I had returned to the hospital since I got a call about an emergency with one of my patients. But now when that was solved I was going to do something about my rumbling stomach that was screaming for food. I took out the milk carton and closed the door to the fridge. I stood there and read the insults that the magnets were forming. _'Wimp'_ and under it, _'Schizophrenia'_. I sighed over how stupid and pathetic the hospital workers sometimes or always were. Every time they fought, they went straight to the fridge and write insults to each other. I grabbed a glass and filled it to the half and quickly drank it up. I returned the carton to the fridge and continued to stand there and stared at the magnets before my bored face cracked up in a mischievous smile. The 'wimp' was probably meant for Demyx and 'schizophrenia' was probably for Saïx. I collected all of the magnets and formed new words. When I was satisfied with my work I smiled and headed out from the emergency ward to Axel's apartment. As I was at the apartment block a strong wind almost made me drop the paper with the port code that Axel had written down to me. I immediately got a bad feeling, but chose to ignore it since I had felt a lot of that the whole week. I quickly pressed the four buttons of the port code and opened the door. Instead of the usual silence I heard a lot of talking from the floors above. I walked up the stairs and saw a huge crowd of people.  
"Hey, Roxas!" I heard a voice say. I looked around and suddenly felt someone tugging my arm into the crowd. I get pulled through the whole crowd and ended up in front of Axel's apartment's door. I looked up and saw that the person that had been pulling me was Demyx.  
"Dem?"  
"T'zup?" He said and opened the door, "You're going to get ready for the party now, huh?"  
"I guess so…" I answered and looked unsurely around. The whole floor was jam-packed with people. I got pushed inside by Demyx and he skipped directly to his room after he closed the door. I stood there at the door for a while, unsure of what I should do now. I wasn't directly at home, I had no spare clothes here. Suddenly as a saving person to save my ass, Demyx popped his head out from his room.  
"Hey, Rox. Need some clothes to borrow?"  
I nodded, "Sure, thanks."  
I walked across the room and in to Demyx's room. It was messier and bluer than Axel's room. On his bed there was some clothes folded. Demyx pointed at them, "You can borrow those clothes, okay?" He headed for his clothes and started to look around for something he could wear. I grabbed the clothes and got to the toilet to change.

When I stepped out from the toilet, I saw Demyx and Axel talking about something in the middle of the living room. They stopped talking when they saw me and just waved at me. I wonder what they were talking about. As Axel walked up to me, he talked at the precise moment I was going to ask what they were talking about so I didn't have any chance to ask.  
"You're ready?" He asked after he had talked a while.  
"Sure," I said as I almost felt that I had to hurl right on the floor, "Sure…"  
Axel smiled and grabbed my hand and dragged me to the door. How much I hated this and regretting this. And I still let it happen.  
When Axel opened the door and Demyx pushed me out from the apartment I almost fell face down, but the room was so wall to wall that there was no floor to fall to. I bumped in to a person, he just gave a glare and then walked off. I gave Demyx a warning look, but he just looked at me and shrugged confused. I sighed and started to head to a random direction, but Axel stopped me by a pulling me back to him.  
"Hey, where are you going?" he asked in my ear.  
"I dunno, exploring," I answered back and pulled myself from him. He looked confusedly at me. "Is something wrong?" he asked.  
I shrugged my shoulders and waved at him, "No, why?"  
"You're acting really weird…" he answered and scratched his arm.  
"What are you talking about?" I asked as an effort to try to make Axle drop the subject. But he just looked at me and opened his mouth to say something, but then he closed it and walked away.

"Shut up Demyx, I'm in a foul mood right now…"  
"Oh come on, Rox!" Demyx said and put his free arm around me. He was holding his fourth beer in his other hand. I sighed, "How much are you going to drink Dem?"  
He looked at me and blinked a couple of times, "I'm not sure, probably 'til something exciting happens or that I pass out." He bent his head backwards to get the last drops from his beer. I sighed once more. Being together with Demyx getting drunk wasn't really something fun to do.  
"Hey, Dem…" I started to say after Demyx had opened his fifth beer.  
"Mmyeah?" he asked before he did head-ups.  
"What's so fun with going on parties and getting wasted?"  
Demyx smiled, "Because it's fun!"  
I sighed, "Demyx is that really the answer?"  
He thought for a moment, "Yeah!"  
"Demyx you're a retard…" I said. I was about to get up from my seat but then suddenly a woman crashed on the seat next to me. I looked to my right and saw someone I knew.  
"What are you doin' here gay boi?" she asked. She was probably even more wasted than Demyx. She was also holding a half empty vodka bottle in her right hand.  
"Oh, hi Larxene…" I said. I felt how something died inside of me. Just when I thought things couldn't get so much more worse, a drunk Larxene shows up next to me.  
"Hey Lar-Lar!" Demyx cheered on her. He was the straight opposite to the excitement that I had towards her. She waved back to him in a way that she would never do if she was sober. This was just getting more and more annoying. People drinking and getting so wasted that they we're absolutely not the person that they usually are. It could be a little fun, but it was mostly just confusing.  
"Oi, Rox, why aren't you hanging with Axel?" Larxene suddenly asked as she put her arm around me. It's strange this whole time before the party I've been thinking about me and Axel but then at the party it's all been about me in my thoughts. Until now that is.  
"Well, I don't know where he wandered off and I'm not going to go out scouting for him," I said and looked away from her, "He's probably asleep under some couch or something…"  
Larxene made some strange almost purring sound, but she stopped when Demyx snatched her vodka bottle.  
"Dem, what the fudge are you doing?" she roared at him. She was now a little more than normal except for the word 'fudge'.  
"I need this to bring forth magic to this partayeh!" Demyx said and drank directly from the bottle. And almost everything of what was left of it. He slammed the bottle down on the table in front of him when he had drunk it all.  
"Uh, Demyx, is that a really smart thing to do--?"  
"Hey! That's my drink, find your own!!" Larxene cut me up with her screaming. She got up from the couch but before she even made it to Demyx, he had fallen like a balloon to the floor. Larxene had lost her killing instinct and stared both confusedly and amazed at Demyx. "Whoa, I'm not even angry anymore…" she said and continued to stare at him on the floor, "Dude! That was awesome!" she said. She stretched her arm up in the air to celebrate and cheer on Demyx.  
Demyx replied with some moaning sound and reached his arm half way up in the air and then his hand fell down on his stomach. He looked like he was about to puke. Larxene bent down a little to Demyx and held a finger in front of him. "How many?" she asked teasingly.  
"One." Demyx replied after a couple of minutes. Larxene then sat down on his stomach. "You're to sober," she suddenly said and grabbed an un-opened beer, "You're really weak pinky-boy!"  
I sighed over all this madness. Everything had gotten out of control long ago according to me. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder.  
"Axel?"  
I turned around only to find my sudden hope shot down in an instant. There was a stranger who had his hand on my shoulder. I felt uncomfortable with that, so I brushed his hand off me.  
"Hey, if you're looking for that Axel guy, I know where he is." He said.  
I felt a small hope again flicker inside me, "Oh yeah?" I asked and tried to seem cool and not to sound too excited.  
"Yeah, I can lead you to him if you wanna."  
"Sure, whatever," I replied and followed him through the room. For almost every step I felt the hope inside me grow and grow. When we had crossed the room he opened the door in front of him he made a hand gesture for me to go inside first. I stepped carefully in the room, since it was dark. I heard Larxene screaming something about that shit was a modern vulgar word for feces. I then heard the door closing and saw that the unknown man flicked on the lights. The hope I felt before turned to panic. I couldn't do much against his push that made me fall on the bed. As I opened my eyes he was topping me.  
"What the fuck are you doing?!" I yelled as I tried to kick him off.  
"Just shut up and deal with it you gullible kid," he said and lowered himself down to me.  
"No! Stop!" I tried to get him off me.  
I kicked with my full strength and tried to shove him off. But no matter how much I tried he just wouldn't budge. All I could do now was to scream and hope for help to come. I knew that the risk of someone hearing me is low and that someone will step up and rescue me was even lower.  
But like a miracle, the door opened with someone standing there and asked what was going on. The man above me froze and it took a minute for me to melt down in my brain of whose voice it was.  
Oh shit.  
Fucking of course is the savior someone you don't want to see when you're in this kind of state. Oh shit.  
"What the fuck are you doing?!" he roared.  
I shivered and closed my eyes since I didn't want to see anything. I felt how the man on top of me got off and was followed by a loud thump and some glass crashing. Closing your eyes doesn't shut the noise out, make you invisible or turn back time, but at least I didn't have to watch what was happening.  
…At least _I_ didn't have to watch, but doesn't mean that there aren't _other_ people that's watching.  
Every sound I heard made me curl up more and more and regretting coming here at all. I was really close to crying, but I was too scared to do it.  
It felt like every swearword that Axel said was directed at me.  
I just had to get out of here, I don't care how or when, I just have to get away.  
"Roxas! Hey, wait!" I heard Axel call after me as I stumbled across the room, past the starring eyes and out through the door. I slammed the door and ran quickly down the stairs, the thought of using the elevator never hit me. It felt that I almost jumped over the stairs since I skipped like one or two steps all the time. I ran, and jumped, quickly down the stairs since if somebody was running after me he or she would get up to me. But then again, it felt like I was waiting for someone to catch up with me. I stopped running when I had run past the Swan pond and the café I usually were at, where Kairi's working. I finally stopped running when I was near the cinema, maybe fifty meters behind the café. On the opposite of the cinema, there's the famous polluted river that flows through the city. I leaned on one of the black bars that are there to prevent you from falling or jumping in the river. I sighed over how ashamed and stupid I felt, how much I wanted to turn back time so I could prevent all this from happening.  
"Jeez, kid! Rumors and hearings moves faster than you do!" a familiar voice said behind me. I quickly turned around and saw a very familiar figure standing there.  
"Larxene?" I asked as she walked up to me. "I'm even more amazed that you managed to get out there to here. I thought that if you were going to leave the party it would be for more liquid or that the police was going to force you in to a cell until you sober up."  
"I'm not wasted, okay?" she said and held up a finger at me, "It's just a little wild act to get the crazy thing started at the party." She let out a sigh as she walked to my side and leaned on the same bar as me before. It reeked alcohol from Larxene, she probably lied about being sober. I waited for a sarcastic comment from her, but as more time passed I got more and more surprised that she didn't say anything, so I returned to lean on the bar and stare emptily out.

"So what exactly happened?"  
I looked at Larxene, "Eh?"  
She sighed, "Well, rumors spreads faster than you run but it's still only a rumor." She smiled mischievously, "I don't go by theories. I go by fact." She said and did the victory pose.  
I sighed, "It was pretty much what it looked like…" I paused, "I'm not so sure if you're the right person to tell about this."  
Larxene looked slightly offended, since she had an annoyed look on her face and that she was slightly pouted her under lip. "Then who do you want to tell?" she stopped pouting, "I know you want to talk about…"  
I froze, "Oh, yeah? What makes you think that?"  
"I know you more than what you know." Larxene said while she waved around with a finger in the air, "You see, because whenever someone's trying to hook up with someone, they go to me for advice and spying."  
"Say WHAT?!"  
Larxene smiled even more now, "Jupp, Axel asked me to hook you two guys up before. He gave me various of information about what he already knew about you and asked me to help fix you guys up and get more facts about you."  
Okay… this is just getting more and more weird, what's next? That Larxene hired that guy to come and try to rape me so Axel can break in and have hero screen time? I'm so confused…  
Larxene made a strange sound, I looked at her as she was leaning with her full weight to the metal bar. "Hey, Lar, are you drunk?" I asked.  
She looked at me, "No, what makes you think that?"  
"No reason…" I answered and looked down at the ground, smiling mentally. She was so wasted…  
"Hey Rox, it's midnight soon." She said out of a blue.  
"Yeah I know," I replied. For being drunk Larxene actually behaved quite well.  
Then she suddenly broke up in a smile, "Hey Rox. If you don't have anywhere to stay you can crash on my couch."  
I immediately looked up from the ground at her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "What the fuck did you say?" I asked.  
Larxene looked at me with lazy eyes and sighed. She opened her mouth to say something but she got cut off by the bells from the church that said that it now was midnight.

* * *

Dun-dun-dun What will happen next?


	5. Dec 25! The day after

"Are you fucking deaf?" Larxene asked and lowered her head to my level, "I said that you can crash on my couch!"  
I backed away a little from Larxene as I felt that she was too close. She must have the power to read minds, for her face broke up in that usual sarcastic smile of hers.  
"Aww, am I too close to you, little gay boy?" she asked in a fake sweet voice, "Are only guys allowed to be close to you?"  
Resisting thee urge to punch her in the face, I grinned my teeth and mentally abused her. She seemed to be noticing this too.

"Jeez, Rox, if I hatched an egg on your face right now it would frizzle like hell and then explode!" She slapped my shoulder as she laughed. I was still annoyed, but calmed down somehow by Larxene's laughter. She laughed for a couple of minutes and at the end I found myself actually smiling and almost laughing. When she stopped laughing, she wiped away the happy tears that had formed in her eyes. Then she put her arm around me. She had really fooled me before with her sober act. It was now I realized that she wasn't drunk, she was god-damn-it-wasted! She started to laugh again. I sighed and hoped that she would say that it was time to go home now. Then she would fall asleep quickly so I could be alone for a while and not freeze my ass off. But instead, she drew me closer to her, which almost choked me to death.  
"Hey Rox," she said, "Let's get some food!"  
I hesitated, but didn't have anything to come with so she dragged me along to somewhere.  
"How about pizza?" she asked me when we had been walking around a while and finally ended up in the town square.  
"I don't care Lar!" I replied and tried to save myself from suffocating of Larxene's drunken enthusiasm.  
"Oh, come on Roxas! You're no fun!" she said and finished the can of bear she was holding. "You kno', you've gotta make some space for fun!" she said as she threw the beer can on the ground. I thought that I should tell her that she have had enough beer tonight and maybe pick up that beer can she threw on the ground. But I ended up doing neither of those things for Larxene dragged me away to the pizzeria. She must be regular costumer there since the shopkeeper and some costumer greeted her heartily. One who didn't greet her had his face behind a book. His spiky, uncontrollable lilac hair looked very familiar.  
"Zexy!" Larxene yelled. Her drunken behavior was embarrassing. He dropped his book in shock. It was Zexion with his reading glasses, enjoying a book. A very common sight. Everyone knew that he was studying for something, but nobody knew what, maybe that Vexen, who's also known as the crazy pharmacist or perhaps Lexaeus. He's an officer who often visits the speech therapist. I've seen Zexion having a conversation with them and he didn't exact to seem to hate it either. It was the completely opposite behavior from him with the hospital's noisiest trio, Axel, Demyx and Larxene.  
"Typical, you bookworm!" Larxene said as she took his glasses, "You come to the party, but then you quickly leave when things starts to get more funny!"  
Zexion sighed, "Actually I leave when things are out of control."  
"Control, toilet roll," Larxene said as she put his glasses on, "And why leave on Christmas Eve?" She was laughing herself to tears as Zexion groaned and tried to get his glasses back. She was actually quite good at finding rhymes even if she was loaded. A fat man approached us. He was holding a pen and a notepad.  
"Well, Lar-Lar, you look great in glasses, but why don't you return them to that young man and order something?"  
"Oh-kay!" she replied cheerfully and took off Zexion's glasses, "I'll have the kebab pizza with that cheesy sleazy filling inside the crust and Roxy here will have the same thing," she said and passed the glasses to me. I first looked at them and then at her. She winked at me and poked my forehead, "Don't worry slugger, it's on me," and with that she walked away with the fat man and leaned over the desk to have a chat with the shopkeeper. There was "Are you fucking deaf?" Larxene asked and lowered her head to my level, "I said that you can crash on my couch!"  
I backed away a little from Larxene as I felt that she was too close. She must have the power to read minds, for her face broke up in that usual sarcastic smile of hers.  
"Aww, am I too close to you, little gay boy?" she asked in a fake sweet voice, "Are only guys allowed to be close to you?"  
Resisting thee urge to punch her in the face, I grinned my teeth and mentally abused her. She seemed to be noticing this too.

"Jeez, Rox, if I hatched an egg on your face right now it would frizzle like hell and then explode!" She slapped my shoulder as she laughed. I was still annoyed, but calmed down somehow by Larxene's laughter. She laughed for a couple of minutes and at the end I found myself actually smiling and almost laughing. When she stopped laughing, she wiped away the happy tears that had formed in her eyes. Then she put her arm around me. She had really fooled me before with her sober act. It was now I realized that she wasn't drunk, she was god-damn-it-wasted! She started to laugh again. I sighed and hoped that she would say that it was time to go home now. Then she would fall asleep quickly so I could be alone for a while and not freeze my ass off. But instead, she drew me closer to her, which almost choked me to death.  
"Hey Rox," she said, "Let's get some food!"  
I hesitated, but didn't have anything to come with so she dragged me along to somewhere.  
"How about pizza?" she asked me when we had been walking around a while and finally ended up in the town square.  
"I don't care Lar!" I replied and tried to save myself from suffocating of Larxene's drunken enthusiasm.  
"Oh, come on Roxas! You're no fun!" she said and finished the can of bear she was holding. "You kno', you've gotta make some space for fun!" she said as she threw the beer can on the ground. I thought that I should tell her that she have had enough beer tonight and maybe pick up that beer can she threw on the ground. But I ended up doing neither of those things for Larxene dragged me away to the pizzeria. She must be regular costumer there since the shopkeeper and some costumer greeted her heartily. One who didn't greet her had his face behind a book. His spiky, uncontrollable lilac hair looked very familiar.  
"Zexy!" Larxene yelled. Her drunken behavior was embarrassing. He dropped his book in shock. It was Zexion with his reading glasses, enjoying a book. A very common sight. Everyone knew that he was studying for something, but nobody knew what, maybe that Vexen, who's also known as the crazy pharmacist or perhaps Lexaeus. He's an officer who often visits the speech therapist. I've seen Zexion having a conversation with them and he didn't exact to seem to hate it either. It was the completely opposite behavior from him with the hospital's noisiest trio, Axel, Demyx and Larxene.  
"Typical, you bookworm!" Larxene said as she took his glasses, "You come to the party, but then you quickly leave when things starts to get more funny!"  
Zexion sighed, "Actually I leave when things are out of control."  
"Control, toilet roll," Larxene said as she put his glasses on, "And why leave on Christmas Eve?" She was laughing herself to tears as Zexion groaned and tried to get his glasses back. She was actually quite good at finding rhymes even if she was loaded. A fat man approached us. He was holding a pen and a notepad.  
"Well, Lar-Lar, you look great in glasses, but why don't you return them to that young man and order something?"  
"Oh-kay!" she replied cheerfully and took off Zexion's glasses, "I'll have the kebab pizza with that cheesy sleazy filling inside the crust and Roxy here will have the same thing," she said and passed the glasses to me. I first looked at them and then at her. She winked at me and poked my forehead, "Don't worry slugger, it's on me," and with that she walked away with the fat man and leaned over the desk to have a chat with the shopkeeper. There was an uncomfortable stillness between me and Zexion. I started to roll my thumbs at a time, it felt like forever but it actually only was a couple of minutes. I looked at the clock again to see what time it was. I've spend more than two hours with a drunken Larxene. I now began to question myself how I managed to survive for so long. Unfortunately I got nowhere with that. I now looked at Zexion who was starring back at me. If looks could kill, he would have killed me three times and then play with my corpse over and over again and then finally hung it up on a Christmas tree. That look he gave me made me feel really uncomfortable. I looked away and hoped that in a while he would look somewhere else or go back to reading his book. I decided to look at Larxene just so my eyes wouldn't be on Zexion. Her behavior right now was outrageous, she was yelling and almost breaking stuff. She was so crazy that I couldn't even look at her. I looked at Zexion over my shoulder. He was still looking at me. I was on the edge of yelling at him and ask him what the hell does he want, but then when I was going to I closed my hands and noticed that I was holding something. I looked down and saw Zexion's glasses. I quickly handed over them without looking at him. Larxene was laughing really hard and was close to tears. I wonder how people would react if I suddenly let a little loose and went totally out of character. Now I wonder myself what the hell I must've been thinking if I ever did that. Getting lost in thought for quite a while, Larxene suddenly returned with two red bricks. My mouth started to water as I saw the delicious-looking kebab pizzas. Larxene stretched her arms in the air and did thumbs up to the shopkeeper who waved back at her after he saw her. "Give us some beer, please!" Larxene then said and snapped her fingers. I let out a loud sigh.

"Now Roxy, that was awesome, huh?!" Larxene yelled at me, though I was standing next to her. She had even had more beers at the restaurant and forced me and Zexion to drink. I'm still not used to the shit taste of alcohol and Zexion seemed to have low alcohol tolerance. But maybe that's logical, he's not that tall, thin and hadn't eaten something for a long time. Now I was hanging with _two_ drunken guys against my will. Thankfully Zexion wasn't loud as drunk. He hummed on a strange song and replied to Larxene every now and then. Them being drunk, the stink of alcohol and all the yelling… It was really driving me over the edge. I just wanted to go home now, but since I had a beer and hung out with Larxene and Zexion, I must be reeking alcohol right now. Mom would kill me over and over again if she noticed the smell of alcohol coming from me.  
"Hey, Zex;" Larxene suddenly said, "What about going to my place now?"  
Finally! Exactly the thing I've been waiting for the whole night. Going home to Larxene's place where there's a couch waiting for me. Not that I would be able to sleep now that a lot of stuff had happened. Huh, that's weird. Being with Larxene for hours actually helped me to get my mind off Axel. I don't really want to think about the party, but it pops up in my head and then I can't stop thinking about it. I guess I kinda have to thank her. But then again, she's really drunk so she probably won't remember so much from tonight. So I guess I can spare myself from getting botched by Larxene's pride. It always happens when I say thanks and when I don't say it when I'm supposed to, she tortures me to do it.  
"Tss, yeah, I dunno," Zexion replied after a while, "I'm supposed to have this test tomorrow and it's kinda important since this is this test tomorrow…"  
I got only more amazed by Zexion's and Larxene's drunken behavior. It was embarrassing but also quite amusing too. Zexion had problems with his speech and balance and Larxene could barely stand on her own. It had been like a workout for me now. I've been carrying half of their body weight on my shoulder for quite a long time now. I could easily eat a whole bag of chips in the morning without a guilty conscience. The thought of eating made me nauseous. The pizza was so huge and Larxene forced me to eat all of it since she had paid for it.  
"Oh well!" Larxene said cheerfully, "Hey Rox, you can stay at my place for how long you want, but if you stay for to long, I'll force you to pay half of the bills!"  
"…Sure," I replied and deeply hoped that staying at Larxene's was only a one-time thing. But the more I thought about it I realized more and more that this wasn't going to be a one-time thing. I absolutely had no where else to go! If I got home, mom would nag on me so much that my ears would fall off, Sora's moving to a new apartment out of town, I can't even look at Axel now, Demyx lives with Axel and pretty much everyone else at the hospital's are assholes…  
"Well let's go home then!" Larxene said and started to drag us to her left. Zexion was barely awake anymore. We ended up in the middle of the town square again, but now we were waiting for our buss. Larxene sat and sang some random song about fishes and family members and Zexion sat next to her mumbling some physics stuff. We waited for the same buss, but Zexion's stop was two stop before Larxene's.  
"Here comes the bus!" Larxene sang cheerfully.  
I tried to keep it cool when the bus came, like I wasn't with the drunken guys. It worked fine until I got on the bus. I showed her my ticket that I had gotten from work, it has my name on it and let's me ride the bus for free since I live quite far away from work. The bus driver looked at my card and nodded. "Hey Rox, Zexy just threw up again!" Larxene said as she stumbled onboard the bus. The bus driver looked at my card, probably to see if my name was Roxas. And, yes, it was. The bus driver who was earlier smiling at me was now giving a strange glare as she handed over my card. I mentally abused Larxene again for blowing my cover.

"Fishy, Fishy in the brook, daddy caught it with a hook. Mama fried it in the pan; Baby eats it like a man!" Zexion and Larxene sang when the bus started to move.  
"I fucking hate my life…" I mumbled to myself.

Yes, I have often thought that my life is pathetic, but for the first time of my life it's so pathetic that it creates a new level of patheticness! Huh, patheticness… Is that even a word? I think not… Yeah anyway, I've never wanted to trade lives with somebody but now I feel like anyone's life would be better than mine. I rolled over again. I was finally on a couch and everything was quiet. Larxene almost fell asleep as soon as she got in to the apartment. It was now the silence that I've been longing for since the accident. A chance to think about what had happened and how this was going to affect my relationship with Axel now in the future. I've never thought that my life would be this complicated. When I was little I thought that it would just be a simple thing like, get a job, meet someone, fall in love and live happily ever after. But then again at that time I thought that I would meet a girl. I guess I started to question my sexuality when I realized that I wasn't attracted to girls like everyone else. The guys thought that I was strange when I told them that I wasn't interested at all in going with them and sneak-peak on the girls in the changing room. Sora and I was actually quite popular with girls and I didn't realize that until Sora told me. I had just thought of them as friends or annoying people. I curled up on the couch and had my arms around my stomach.  
"Uh, I feel like throwing up…"  
I crept to the floor and then walked to the bathroom. It felt like I crawled on the bathroom floor. I leaned over the toilet seat and hurled. Maybe it was because of the alcohol or because I was so miserable. No, it was probably the alcohol. Damn it Larxene, forcing me to drink even though I didn't want to.

As I woke up, I noticed that I hade woken up before Larxene. Maybe that was a good thing, so I wouldn't have to see a hung-over Larxene. I quickly got up from the couch and made me a sandwich. I quickly put it in to my mouth and grabbed my jacket and bag. After that, I quickly left the building and headed to the hospital.  
When I arrived at the hospital I quickly walked through the ER to the lockers. I quickly threw my jacket and my bag in it. As I was going to fetch new scrubs from the shelf I noticed that there were no scrubs on the shelves. As I began freaking out I noticed that there was a new machine next to the lockers. It was kinda huge and there was a metal handle that you could pull down and then it looked like you should put something in it, not coins, but something bigger. Then to the left of the handle there were about 6 small shelves with…  
"Scrubs!" I exclaimed as I saw the blue, green and a couple of other scrubs. As I was wondering how to get the scrubs there, I noticed that there was a white note taped on the machine.

_'To get the new scrubs, deposit old ones by pulling the handle down and throw them in.'_

But, but, I don't have any old scrubs… Oh fine, I guess I have to try to dump something else in it. Maybe it'll work if I threw my t-shirt in? It's not like it's my favorite t-shirt so I won't really care about it. I took of my t-shirt and threw it in. The machine clicked and then I looked to the left and then noticed that the glass that was in front of the scrubs had been removed. I quickly grabbed a pair of green scrubs and quickly changed without going to the changing room. Then I grabbed my papers in the nurse's office and walked down the hall to check on my patients.  
"Hiyya kiddo, how are you doing today?" I someone said as he slapped my shoulder. I quickly looked to my right and saw that it was Xigbar. I sighed quietly to myself before I answered.  
"Okay," I answered shortly and hoped that he would just walk away as quickly as possible. But it seemed as if he was here to stay and mock me.  
"Hey, I only saw you once at the party," Xigbar said, "What happened?"  
Urgh, I really didn't need someone bringing up that specific topic. Just go away please, just go away…  
"But then again, it was a fucking smashing party, I got lots of numbers from these chicks I talked to, I really think I hit it good!"  
"Aren't you gay Xig?" I asked without thinking before I spoke out. I was in a really foul mood and just wanted to be left alone. I'm not sure why, but Xigbar stopped walking and didn't even shout something back like, 'No, but you are!' or some sick your mother joke again. I really don't mind them since I don't like my mother. I just hope that I can move out any day now…  
The day is going so damn slow. Even the patients were more boring than usual.

At lunch time I headed back to the kitchen and saw that there was a huge commotion at the fridge. I walked up to the crowd and made my way through the crowd to the front row and smiled at my work on the fridge. That would probably be the only time I smiled that day. On the fridge I had written the 12 people I thought about yesterday and something next to their names.

Xenmas – Mansex

Xigbar – Meanie Gun

Xaldin – Reggae man

Vexen – Mad Scientist

Lexaeus - Silent Hill

Zexion – Sexy bookworm

Saïx – Werewolf

Axel – Pyromaniac Stalker

Demyx – Crybaby

Luxord – Viva las gaygas

Marluxia – S/hemale

Larxene – Pikachu

I tried not to laugh but when I looked to the sides, the people's reaction was so laughable. I snorted a little but stopped when I saw another name under Larxene's. I had not written that so I leaned closer to read what it said.

13. Roxas – Axel's bitch

My reaction was now just as everyone else's in the room. I was so frustrated that I had to bite my lip not to scream and ask who the hell did this. Then I realized that there was only one person who could do something like that.  
"Larxene..." I said between my teeth. I dashed out from the kitchen and luckily caught up with a familiar figure wearing white and blue scrubs.  
"Hey Lar!" I called at her.  
She turned around and smiled, "Hey, gay boy," she said cheerfully, "What's up?"  
"Oh you know what's up," I said and pointed a finger at her, "You're the one who wrote my name and that comment , right?"  
She sticked her tongue out at me, "Well, I figured that it was you who wrote all the other comments so I just thought that I would cover for you by writing your name on there too," she said and walked away. I took deep breaths not to turn around and throw something at her as I marched down to the cafeteria.

"Hey Zexion," I said as I sat down at the usual seat. Zexion turned around and smiled weakly and sighed with relief.

"Well, finally someone who doesn't call me Zexy or Zex..."

I laughed weakly back. It's nothing wrong with Zexion but it gets a little awkward being around him. I can't really be myself as I can around other people like Sora and Axel. I shook my head in the thought of Axel to get rid of him out of my head, not that it really helped or so. I decided to bring up another topic in hopes that it would take my mind of Axel for a while.  
"So, how went your test today?" I asked. Zexion looked surprised by my question.

"Eh, how did you know about that?" he asked.

I chuckled a little, "Well, you mentioned it when you were drunk yesterday. It was with Larxene and me."

Zexion turned away quickly and pretended to clean some cups, "Uh, yeah, I don't remember everything but I do remember certain things..." he sneered at me, "Can you promise not to tell anyone?"

I thought for a moment. I really didn't want to sleep at Larxene's tonight and I really didn't have anywhere to stay. Maybe I could ask him if I could stay at his place for the night.

"Yeah, sure.　I promise not to tell anyone," I said, "But can you help me out with something?"

Zexion looked at me and blinked a couple of times, "Uh sure, what is it?"

"Well, I currently have absolutely nowhere to stay for the night so I wondered if I could stay at your place just for the night."

There was a silence between us for a while. I guess he had to think about it for a while. Like, if his apartment is untidy, if he got more schoolwork to do and test things. Then he blinked a couple of times again and pushed up his glasses further up on his eyes and looked at me.

"Sure, why not?"

I felt how a light of hope lit up inside and how the awkward chump between me and Zexion loosened up a little. Still awkward, but not as much as before.

"So, I'll meet you after work, okay?" I said as I got up from my seat, "I end in about one hour, you?"

"Same here," Zexion replied shortly as he was cleaning the surface of the coffee machine.  
"Okay, see ya!" I said as I walked away.

"I'll meet you outside the hospital at eight, okay?" I heard Zexion call after me.  
I waved my hand back at him so he would understand that I heard that.


	6. Dec 26! My Perfect Roommate

I couldn't sleep

December – 26th

"Wake up you silly sleepy head!"

I didn't want to open my eyes because I knew that I would get blinded by the morning light. Since I find it very annoying, I usually let myself get used with the light gradually. But I was now at Zexion's place and there were different rules here.  
"Get up you moron!" Zexion said and pushed me to the floor, "We have work today!"  
The soft cushions on my back were quickly replaced with a hard wooden floor in my face and the blanket had been replaced with the cold air of Zexion's living room. I slowly sat up and opened one eye, "When does our holiday start?"

"Now, come on, you like your work, right? Why else would you choose to become a practical nurse?" Zexion asked as he looked at me. He was leaning to the couch that I had been sleeping on.  
"I wanted to become a doctor, but I dropped out from med school since it was too hard," I coldly replied.  
"Oh…" Zexion said, "Too much homework? I never see that as a problem."  
I groaned. I didn't want to answer Zexion that question, "No, it's not that."  
Zexion raised one eyebrow at first, but then he looked like he understood that I didn't want to answer his previous question. "Yeah, but still, work is kind of fun. It's not like something awkward is going to happen..."  
My face turned red as I thought of Axel. I hadn't spoken to him for quite some times. Then I heard some whistling from Zexion as an insult to me so I quickly grabbed the pillow I slept on and aimed for Zexion's face. "Shut up!" I said as I threw it.  
Zexion countered it with a high-kick, that wasn't really so high considering his height and then quickly slammed it down on my face.  
"That reminds me that I have my yoga session today," Zexion said as he pointed a finger to the roof.  
"Yoga…" I mumbled and tossed the pillow aside, "Wow that sure is manly…"  
But I think that he didn't hear my comment since I glanced across the floor and saw Zexion's bare feet head towards the kitchen. I sighed and starred at the roof for a while before I heard Zexion calling from the kitchen.  
"Hey, sorry for being so harsh at you, but I want to make sure that you'll be able to leave when I want you too."  
"No problem," I replied with a loud sigh, "I got to sleep here for you, guess I can do that little favor of leaving when I have too"  
"Want some breakfast?" Zexion asked as he had returned to the living room.  
I thought for a moment, "Nah," I replied after a moment, "No thanks." I wasn't hungry at all. Zexion shrugged his shoulder and walked back in to the kitchen.

I groaned as I tried to sleep some more on the floor. But I knew that I would never fall asleep on the floor since I can't sleep with lights on. After resting up a bit I dragged myself up and solely tailed to the kitchen, were Zexion was standing and eating his breakfast, that probably was some icky soy milk among with some cereal. He was leaning close to the window, as if he was waiting for someone or something to pass by. I have no idea what he was waiting for, but I decided that it would probably be the best if I snuck out unnoticed.

"Sure you don't even want a sandwich for breakfast?" I heard a voice say as I snuck on my shoes as quiet as I could. This turned out to not be as quiet as I hoped.  
"No, I'm not hungry," I replied as I opened the door, "But thanks for the thought, I'll see you at lunch." I closed the door and headed for the exit of the apartment building. Zexion was pretty lucky living on the first floor. The wind outside was chilling cold as I almost ran to the bus station to get to work as fast as possible, though I didn't look so very forward to it. I had a nightmare that I had dreamt before. It was a scarring event that actually had taken place for not so very long ago, almost 2 years or more. I suck on letting go. I watched my bus arriving at the bus station, but I didn't bother getting up and going to work so I watched the bus drive again and felt a little regret for not taking it. Ah well, if I take the next bus I'll still get to work in time.

But did I wait? No… After 3 minutes I got up from the icy bench and started to walk down the street and waited for another bus that arrived about a minute later after me. Instead of the usual 10-20 minutes bus ride to work, this ride was going to take a couple of hours. And then I would be walking for about two hours and then take another bus for one hour. So the destination I was thinking about going to would take me around one day, something that you just don't do spontaneously without planning and absolutely not during a day when you should actually be at work. But right now I didn't care about that, I just wanted to get there and have some relaxation and maybe be able to clear up my mind about Axel and what I want. I put in the ear-plugs in my ear and turned on my iPod. And instantly, almost like god's mocking me, it plays a song which reminds me of the event's victim. He was the one who made me start listening to this band. I closed my eyes and thought back to my time in med-school.

"Yo, Roxas, wakey!" I heard my roommate call as I got a pillow thrown on to my face.  
"Good morning Clyde," I smiled as I tossed the pillow aside. I heard his soft laughter from the other room. Freshman year in med-school and I've already developed a small crush on my roommate, Clyde. My feelings for Axel were not completely pushed aside, but I tried to ignore those strong feelings by telling myself that Clyde, unlike him, isn't a stupid molester. I still felt the butterflies when I talked to Axel and constantly turned his requests down, as in helping him with his projects and such. Clyde was very different from Axel. He was smart, very supportive and sweet. Axel was raw, flirty and all about the fun so it was a bit relaxing seeing Clyde at the door when you return from the crazy red-haired party-boy. Just having a calm and sweet roommate like Clyde made the evenings much brighter after a hard day of studying or mingling a little with Axel and Demyx. Clyde wasn't a crazy party animal and neither was I. So unlike living with Axel, you won't get any sleep since you'll be hearing him and other people yelling and cheering, unless the party was somewhere else. If Clyde would ever stay awake an entire night it would mostly have been because of the tons of homework and projects we would get. He's the smartest freshman in med-school and he's popular among the girls. I wish I was more like him. More perfect… Clyde was perfect…

Clyde was the perfect roommate…  
Perfect… Too perfect, that nobody would ever know if something was bothering him.  
But everyone has a breaking point and he was reaching it with a paid speed. He began acting weird and was out very late and sometimes didn't return home at all. I got really scared when I saw a straw and a razorblade next to it. Could he be using drugs?  
Then, the 24th of April arrived. It was almost summer-warm and our weeks we're cramped with test and project works. That night, I couldn't sleep. Clyde had been acting really strange lately and his sudden disappearance didn't still my concern. No, it was just like throwing gasoline to a forest fire. I had been staring at the door for over an hour and I had called Clyde's phone multiple times and text messaged Axel like a hundreds of times. I wanted to call, but what if Clyde was about to call me then? Axel had calmed me down a little for a couple of minutes but my paranoia didn't let my mind rest from worrying about what could have happened to Clyde. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. The sound of someone turning the doorknob, the sound of someone turning the key, Clyde's voice, Clyde calling my cell or maybe even Axel dropping by and try to make me calm down?  
I was waiting for a miracle. And it came.  
As if someone had fired a gun shot I almost fell of the recliner as I heard the sound of someone turning the key. I darted to the door and it swung open as I was about to open the door myself. There at the doorway I saw a soaked Clyde, holding his right hand on his left upper arm and looking really ashamed.

"Clyde, where the fuck have you been?!" I shouted at Clyde as he was standing at the door. When my eyes meet his sad sky blue eyes my frustration quickly altered in to deep concerned.  
"C-Clyde?" my voice quivered as I slowly moved my hand and touched his arm. To my surprise, Clyde jolted back as he flinched at my touch.  
He usually didn't even care if I hugged him nor had my arm around him so was he injured? "Clyde? Are you hurt?!" My voice shook more this time as I tried to swallow the painful lump in my throat. Clyde didn't bother answering the question, but just walked in to our apartment. As I grabbed his left arm he let out a scream of pain and I quickly let go. So he was injured.  
"Clyde, what the fuck?! You're hurt! How did that happen!?" I yelled at him.  
"I-it's nothing…" he said, not looking at me, "I fell during a football match…"

I wasn't satisfied with that answer, "A football at 1 am, I don't think so!" I tried to stop him from going to his room for that would kill of the conversation and I would have to wait for the morning before I could ask him again.

I wanted an answer now.

I walked ahead of him and blocked the way for him in to his bedroom. "Clyde, you have to tell me what's going on."

"There's nothing to tell, Roxas!" Clyde said, "I fell and hurt my arm and had to go and have my arm checked for injuries. You have to wait for a very long time in the Emergency Room that's why I'm home so late."

"God damn it Clyde, stop lying!" I wanted to shake him and get the real truth. "Why the fuck are you lying?!"

Clyde pulled back from me, "I'm not lying! I fell and that's it, what more do you want, Roxas? I've already told you everything! Okay, now move please, I want to get the most possible rest I can have for tomorrow when I'm returning to my parents for this week."

"Come on! Clyde, why won't you tell me what's going on?!" I almost begged him.

He sighed of frustration, "What more can I tell you? I fell and waited for hours in the ER! Are you happy now?!" He asked.

I knew that Clyde tried to escape from me and if he didn't want to tell me what's happened to him, I'd just have look at it myself. I pulled his right hand from his left arm and tripped him. I quickly pulled away his jacket as I fell on top of him on the couch. I quickly jerked back when I saw his arms. Clyde slowly sat up and covered his hand again over the blood-soaked bandage that almost covered his whole left arm. I looked at the pale skin of his arms, the skin was almost as pale as snow. Pearly white as they had never been exposed to the sun his whole life. His arms were skinny, but still a little muscular. But it was the cut and burn marks that had made be backed away. His whole arms were covered in these terrifying marks. Some of the cuts were infected and one of them actually had some kind of yellow pus. Could the fact that he had so many infected cuts be why he constantly had high fever? I grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him a little, "Who did this to you?!" I yelled as hard as I've never done before.

Clyde's eyes suddenly formed tears that were fighting to run down his cheeks, but he seemed to be fighting them back. He looked down, to ashamed to be looking at me.

"Myself…" he whispered with such weak and quivering voice that made my hair rise on my entire body. A cold shiver passed down my spine and my mind went completely blank. I don't know for how long I stared at him as he looked down and continued to fight back the tears.  
"Why…?" I finally got out after the long silence.  
"Roxas?" Clyde asked in a quiet voice. He seemed to have gained a little more strength from the silence. But that small recovery would have been futile since he almost directly after saying my name broke down again.

"Yeah?" I asked as I carefully moved closer to him and hoped that he would look at me. And as if he had read my mind, he slowly moved his head up and looked at me with those sky blue eyes that reminds me of the summer skies when you lay down in the grass and there's absolutely no cloud in the entire sky. But my thoughts of summer and Clyde's beautiful eyes quickly died as his next sentence killed something inside me.

"Do you sometimes get the urge to kill yourself?"

A question that I certainly wasn't expecting to hear from Clyde, in fact that was a question that I didn't expect from anyone. And a question I never wanted to be asked, especially from someone I care deeply about. My mouth hung open as I wanted to say something, but my mind was completely blank and my soul felt shattered like someone threw a hand grenade through a window in to a child's bedroom.  
"Wh-what?" I finally struggled out.  
Clyde returned to look down again with teary eyes. Was he ashamed to let another guy see him cry? I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. I wanted him to be able to feel secure and that he can be himself around me.

"Clyde, please look at me." I whispered and moved one hand and cupped his chin and slowly tilted up his head so I could see his eyes again. There was a moment of silence, but Clyde wanted to get an answer for his question so he repeated himself again.

"Do you sometimes get the urge to kill yourself?" His voice cracked as he spoke, "I do…"

I wasn't sure what to answer, "Clyde…" I said as my mind wasn't at its usual state. I was scared, I was terrified. I had always thought that Clyde was happy…

"I get that feeling almost every day. My life isn't much of a life, Roxas. It sucks!" Clyde paused for a moment. He leaned his head on my chest and I carefully hugged him, not to tight since I was afraid to hurt him, "You don't know how lucky you are. To have parents who actually love you and a nice home to go to at holidays..." The tears spilled over Clyde's cheeks and dripped into nothingness, like they've never had existed. All the anger he'd been feeling over the years just came pouring out. These feelings we're real, for both Clyde and me. And it tore me apart.

"You don't have a dad who guzzles away what little money we have on beer and porn. You don't have a mother who's too weak to stand up for herself whenever her husband beats the shit out of her. Do you know what that's like, Roxas? Do you?" Clyde searched his bright blue eyes for answers he so desperately needed, but found none.

I couldn't give him the answer he so desperately searched for. I remained silent, because it was the only thing I could do. I try to swallow the painful lump in my throat and hold back the tears. I had gotten what I wanted. Clyde told me what was wrong with him and he told me about his situation with his parents. But… I had never expected anything like this.

"Do you know what it's like to feel totally helpless, to not to be able to do anything to stop the abuse? And the fact that they were indeed fine before you was conceived in to this cruel world?" The tears were coming faster. Clyde lowered his head in defeat.

"I just wanna die." He wept and pulled me closer to him.

I embraced the sobbing Clyde tighter, "You don't wanna die, Clyde. Think of all the good things you'll miss out on!" I tried to comfort him.

Clyde sniffed and looked up. "Like what?" The tears were still flooding down his cheeks. "Give me one reason that's worth having me to go through all this hell and maybe find one small light of hope somewhere!"

I bit my lip. I wanted to tell him, I felt that I should tell him. But, I never seized that opportunity. I wanted to tell him that if he didn't want to live for himself, he could have lived for me and that I liked him more than just a friend and a roommate.  
A week later everything was too late. And I told myself that I would start seizing things and just live life the way I wanted to.

If I had just told him back then… Then the whole thing would have been different he would maybe still be alive. I could've been his reason to live, he just needed a reason god damn it!  
I don't think I'm being naïve that he could have been alive if I had told him how I felt, especially not after reading his suicide note.

Me holding back resulted in to a good friend killing himself eventually.

It was a tough burden to carry. To tough for such a weakling like me, so I jumped out from med-school in the beginning of my sophomore year. I promised myself when visiting his grave that I would not keep important things bottled up until they start eating me from the inside. But I haven't even been close in keeping that promise. For one thing, I never truly told Axel about how I feel for him. A good start to live up to that promise would to tell Axel about my feelings for him. And that's what I've decided what to do now.

I rang on the doorbell to a familiar apartment in the centre of town, where the apartments are expensive like hell. I knew that he would open the door, even though it was really late in the evening. I just felt that he would open the door and look at me confused and ask me what I'm doing here. I heard the lock turning and the doorknob turning as I took a deep breath and looked at my confused brother's face as he opened the door.

"Hey…" I said quietly, unsure if I should look him in the eyes or on the ground.

Sora scratched him neck, "Roxas? What are you doing here?" he asked. I quickly glanced past him in to his apartment which was full of boxes. He and Kairi would move out soon together. Sora was a mental midget with the IQ of a broken fence, but he was still mentally stronger than me and he didn't let himself be held back on living his life.

"Can I stay at your place for the night?" I asked.

Sora looked confused, "Uh, I dunno, I have a lot of boxes filling up the apartment…"

I didn't cave in for that, I was really desperate, "I can sleep on the floor! Just anywhere is fine, I have absolutely nowhere to stay…" I carefully looked at him, "Please? I can help you move the boxes tomorrow?"

Sora sighed and made a hand gesture for me to come in. I guess I was saved this night too, but I knew that I couldn't go on like this forever, constantly crashing at other people's apartments. But this was the only thing I could do at the moment and pray that things will clear up soon, especially my mind and my situation with Axel.


	7. December 27! The truth sucks

Today it snowed for quite a while. Though all the snow melted I thought about it almost being an entire year since I began writing DH. It feels weird even writing it now sicne I haven't showed it totally to the side and stopped writing it. Sure, I've taken long pauses but I never really stopped writing on it. So here it is dudes, enjoy!

* * *

Wednesday – December 27th

"You can just put that over there by the table, I'll save that for the last." Sora said.

I put the book that I was holding by the table that Sora was pointing at. I was helping him to pack the last boxes as a thanks for letting me stay over the night. I deeply wished that this would be the last time that I mooched over at someone else's place. But I doubted that it would be the last time. I folded some of Sora's clothes that had been formed as a pile so they would easier fit in the moving boxes. There was not so much too pack left, probably a few boxes, but we had been packing for a few hours and still it didn't seem that the amount of stuff we packed grew smaller. I was now moving the folded clothes into the box marked 'clothes' and closed it after putting everything inside. I grabbed the silver tape and taped it over the springs just to make sure that nothing would fall out from the box while it's in the moving truck. I was quite annoyed though that I was doing most of the work while Sora was resting on the couch. He seemed to be in deep thoughts or just ignoring my voice since everything I said just seemed to go through one ear and out the other. But right now I couldn't care less, since we made a deal to pack at least 3 boxes before we go out to lunch. Thank goodness my holiday started today, even though it's just 'til January 5th. I should be happy for at least 10 days rest. But I almost felt like going to work tomorrow anyway. Maybe I'll call Xenmas, to take the day off some other time later. But that would probably make me sound like an ass-kisser, which means more reasons for Larxene to make fun of me in front of everyone. I wish I could make that woman shut up, but she just doesn't seem to have an off-switch. I taped the last box and looked over at the clock still hanging on the wall. 12:24 p.m. It would be a good time for lunch now.

"Hey, Sora, let's go get lunch," I said and got up from the floor.  
He yawned and looked at me, "Yeah, okay…" he replied and I pulled him up from the sofa.

Sora was as slow as usual when it comes to leaving home to get outside. First he couldn't find his keys and thought that he might have packed them down by accident so we had to look through the box that Sora had packed and then it turned out that they were lying on the sofa. Then he couldn't find his jacket, which he had put in another room, and last was his whining about that his hair looked so messy so he locked himself in the bathroom to fix it. Well finally we were outside and I looked at the train station Sora almost lived next to. It still hadn't crossed my mind that I decided to go to another town when I actually had work that day, but luckily Xenmas bought that I was sick. He answered that I should rest up and be completely recovered when my holiday end since I've been acting strange according to him. Wouldn't exactly surprise me if I had, considering this whole thing with Axel that's been bugging me.

"Ey, are you in the mood for some sushi? Or anything Asian at all?" Sora asked me. I snapped out from my thoughts and nodded, "Yeah, sushi would be good."

The place we decided to eat at was jam-packed with people from wall to wall. But luckily, there were two seats next to each other which my brother and me filled up. It was my first time at these convoy belt sushi restaurants and asked Sora how it worked here.

"It's easy, when you see something that you want on these plates you take them. And then you pile the plates next to you and then pay for the number of plates you have and of course what plates you picked." He explained to me as he grabbed a pair of chopsticks to me and to him. I took the ones he had gotten for me and pulled them out from their white paper cover. There had been quite sometime since I ate sushi, but I really liked it. Sora hated it at first but since I always nagged on him how much I wanted to eat sushi he eventually got used to the taste. I used to eat sushi with Axel and Demyx but…

"Roxas, all of your favourites has passed and you didn't even glance over at them once, is something wrong?" I heard Sora ask.

"Nah, not really, I just thought about when we were small and you hated sushi." I said jokingly and grabbed a dessert plate, "I miss the fact that it was so simple when you were little and how much I miss that."

Sora looked at me and blinked a couple of times, "Oh? I always thought that it was you that hated sushi when we were small…"

"No, Sora, it was you," I said and groaned, "I clearly remember that you didn't want to eat your sushi since you didn't want to eat raw fish."

Sora looked at me and blinked a couple of times, "Uh, yeah, that _does_ sound like me…"

I sighed. One of the biggest differences between Sora and me was dumber and slower. Well, at the surface it was one of the biggest differences between us… I guess below the thin surface I'm weaker, negative, hypocrite and much less successful than him. He has his own TV-show and me… Well… I would be studying to become a doctor if I hadn't quit med-school. But the whole thing about Clyde killing himself and that I could have done something to prevent it but didn't just made it too hard to be in school, in the same room where he had been and the room were Clyde had killed himself. I didn't have enough education for a doctor so I had no choice than working as a practical nurse since I really do want to work in medicine.

"I heard Naminé got a new painting job at the hospital."

Once again, Sora brought me back from my thought to reality. I didn't quite hear what he said and asked him to repeat what he said as I tried to poke the dessert in to my mouth. I felt hungry but something inside me didn't want me to eat.

"Naminé, she's a painter you know?" Sora said, "I heard that she's going to paint the children's playing room and some other rooms in the hospital. You didn't know that?"

I shook my head, "No. No, I didn't," I replied and tried to force in some more dessert. Some time passed without the both of us saying something. I could hardly finish of the whole dessert when Sora had already gotten quite a pile next to him. I didn't dare to count them all since I would just question myself even more since I've been eating so little for quite some time. But then it got to quiet between us for too long and then I started to count how many sushi's he'd eaten. When I got to 13, Sora interrupted me.

"You know, she kinda misses you." He said.

"Who?" I asked and looked up from Sora's plates at him.

He looked a little annoyed as he raised one eyebrow, "Naminé," Sora said, "Roxas, what's the matter?"

"What?" I asked.

Sora sighed as he moved the sushi on his plate with his chopstick, "Naminé," he repeated, "She got a painting job in the hospital."

I thought for a moment, "Oh yeah, I heard that they were planning to re-paint at the children's hospital."

"Uh-huh, she's going to paint there and somewhere else." Sora said as he grabbed another plate with two sushis on.

I continued to look at his plate and him eating. I wondered why I couldn't eat.

"You know, I don't think it's manly to be on a diet. You can just exercise some more, you're too skinny anyways."

I was shocked by the words Sora said, "Excuse me?"

"Well, you barely eat anymore," Sora poked at his sushi that he's practically done all the time except for when he's eating.

I wasn't sure why, but I got upset of what he said. "I _eat_!" I almost yelled at him.

"Barely," Sora said without looking at me, "That's why I wanted to take you out for lunch."

I sighed with some frustration still left inside me, "We could just have eaten at home, ya know?"

"I know," Sora said and finally looked up from the plate at me, "I just thought that if you'd might appreciate to eat your favourite food."

I'm not sure what it is, but when you look into Sora's eyes at anytime, you just can't stay mad at him. I wonder if he's aware of that, nah, probably not. Sora has always said that he goes after personality when it comes to girls and Kairi's always been there for him.

"I don't know," I finally replied, "I've been so down lately so I've never been in the mood to eat. I stopped eating regularly after some time, I guess…"

Sora sighed, "Well, no one's life is perfect. There's always some problem bugging you. The difference is how much you let yourself be bugged by it."

"Well, Sora, not everyone's as carefree as you," I said, trying to restrain as much jealousy as possible from that sentence.

Sora finally ate one of the two sushis on his plate, "Another difference between us is that you easily show that something's bothering you."

My first reaction was to laugh it off, but in the middle of it I realized that it was true. And not only that, Sora was acting really weird too, like something was bugging him really hard.

"Look Sora, I only need a little more time to get my life sorted up again," I said, hoping that it would calm him down a little and he would return to the happy, skipping and stupid brother that he was.

"It's not just that you know," Sora sighed.

I looked at him, not sure what to say, so I guessed that shoul wait for him to continue.

"It's… It's about Kairi… I-I'm having doubts about moving in with her."

I had absolutely nothing to do. Sora said that I should spend some more time thinking by my own and that he could ask Riku to help him instead for me. But, I wouldn't have so much against helping Sora some more since I absolutely didn't have anything or anywhere to go. Mmyeah, not precisely but… I picked up my cell phone from my pocket again and saw that Demyx had called me four times. I have nothing against Demyx, it's just that, he LIVES with Axel, KNOWN Axel for much longer than I and probably even a better friend to him. Not that I'm surprised about it, people call me cold and distant. But still… I think Riku's colder than me, but maybe that's just on the outside.

My cell phone plays its tune once more. I decide to ignore once more. If he calls one more time I'll answer it. I had my hands in my pocket and held the spare key that I've gotten from Sora if I had no place to sleep tonight again. But he told me to try to find somewhere else to stay but if I didn't find any place, I could crash on his floor again. As I was walking around outside with really nowhere place to go, I felt like I wasn't needed or wanted somewhere anymore. I walked up to the rusty railing which protected people and bikes parked nearby to fall into the dirty, polluted and full of pee river. An annoying flashback from med-school popped into my head. The polluted river runs through the whole city but my flashback shows a place on the other side of town there's a bridge where teens like to get drunk or bake in the sun. A Friday night, freshman year, all of my homework was finished just as Axel bolted through the door and nearly gave me a heart attack. He was all happy and excited as he always was on Fridays because that's his 'party day'. It seemed like I was his main and favourite target to unleash all his crazy excitement on, so I was used to that Axel would show up randomly at my and Clyde's room without getting invited in. But what I didn't know at that time that this time was going to be a lot different from his usual happy attacks, for this time when he was finished he said:

"Come with me!"

Come with me… I closed my eyes as I wished that I could re-live that moment, wanting to grab that hand he was holding out for me after finishing his sentence and I just sat there staring stupidly at him.

"Axel…" I whispered quietly under my breath and hid my face in hands. Another attempt to hide my feelings inside and not wanting anyone to know or see what I'm feeling.

But it's hard to cover up on the outside when what's on the inside's about to implode. I hated it back there that I let myself get talked into it and come with Axel to that goddamn bridge. It was freaking cold and my fingers quickly got numb. When I talked my voice often broke since my throat was all dried out by the cigarette smoke that was going in to my lungs from unknown people's cancersticks. I was so thirsty but it was only alcohol drinks that I could get from people I have no idea of who they are and god knows what could be in them considering I saw one guy pee in a bottle a couple of meters away. The annoying sound of drunken people screaming and peeing into the river gave me a massive headache. Oh, god, I hated it, I hated it so much! I just wanted to get the hell out of there because I felt so uncomfortable and forgotten, until,

"Want my jacket?"

"Huh?" I broke out from the massive chain of negative thoughts and looked at Axel who sat next to me.

"You seem cold and bored. Do you want my jacket and grab something to eat someplace else?"

I leaned more on the railing and put my arms down. Goddamn how much I miss him. I've never felt so torn in my life. I can't bare the shame to look him in the eyes or even cast a quick glance over to his side without having mental pictures of when Axel opened the door right in the middle of the raping act. He saved me, but it feels like I let him down, that I caused it. But I miss him so much, I want to be with him, hold him and tell him how I feel. I looked down on the flowing water. The water reflected an almost brown-orange colour from the sparkling sun. Beer cans and other trash had been washed up to the stones at the sides of the river by the waters current. The question of Axel maybe had tossed that beer can in to the river crossed my mind. I quickly let that thought go as I sighed and lowered my head down to my arms. My skinny arms… After what Sora said today, I've been more conscious about m body's condition. I caused it myself but I hated it. I almost felt like tearing my arms all open but knowing that it would do me nothing good I had to be content with leaving pale nail-marks on my skin through all piece of clothing I was wearing. Then I felt something vibrate in my pocket. I already knew what it was before it started to play its melody. I dug up my cell phone and quickly unhooked Sora's spare key which had gotten stuck on my Pikachu cell phone jewellery. I've won this on an amusement park when I was with Sora, Riku, Kairi and…

"Naminé?" I was surprised by the name my cell phone displayed. It wasn't some kind of trick my mind played, it clearly said on my cell phone display 'Incoming call – Naminé'.

I hesitated a little but ended up answering it after a few seconds.

"Hello?" I answered with a monotonous tone.

"Roxas!" a sweet and familiar voice said, "How are you? It's me Naminé."

"I'm fine, I guess," I replied. First lie in the first minute of a conversation, I don't think that's so good, "Uhm, how are you?"

"I see… Oh, I'm fine!" Naminé replied, "You see, the reason I called was because—"

"Oi, Nami, give me that!" Naminé was interrupted. A rustling noise was heard, "Hey Roxy!"

I was now speaking with someone else and I knew who.

"Hi Lar," I said with a bored tone.

"Aw come on Roxy! You might have screwed up the possibility to have the fuckbuddy you've dreamt all your life about having to take your dear pussy virginity. But there's a ton of other gay fish in the sea, ready to crack your butthole any day!"

I placed the cell phone a couple of centimetres away as Larxene started to laugh her ass off. I heard Naminé gasp and tell Larxene that her behaviour was really rude.

"You're drunk," I replied after her laughter had calmed down a little.

"And you're gay!" she said and started laughing loudly again.

"Hey, hey! Lar, give me the phone!" Another voice said. "Hey Rox!" The person said after some rustling noise. I could still her Larxene laugh in the background.

"What the fuck Demyx? You're having a party or something?" I asked.

Demyx remained quiet for a while as if he was thinking, "Yeah, sorta. Maybe something like that." I got as an answer a few seconds after the silence.

"Are you drunk too? And what's Naminé doing there?" I asked as I was getting a little worried about Naminé being at a drunken party since she's not that type.

"Oi, Naminé!" Demyx called, "Roxas wants to talk with you again!"

More rustling… "Hello, Rox? I'm sorry we got sidetracked," Naminé apologized, "Yes, there's some kind of party at my place and half of the people are drunk and people I have no clue of who they are. I'm scared, could you please some over?"

"I'm on my way to the bus station, right now!" I replied.

"Good," she said with a lot of relief in her voice, "But please! Hurry, I'm getting freaked out!" and with that, she hung up and I started to run to the nearest bus station.

* * *

"Hey! Roxas!"

I was greeted in quite an uncomfortable way. A drunk Demyx almost fell on top of me as he opened the door.

"Geez, Demyx, you're this drunk on a Wednesday?!" I said as I caught him.

"Happy holidays dude," Was his reply as he dozed off. I almost dropped Demyx, I kinda wished I had, when next person arrived to greet me. She was probably a bit drunk too but still in control.

"What's up gay boy?" she had a mischievous and evil smile plastered on her face. I swallowed hard as I tried to stay cool while dragging Demyx around her, "Hey Lar-Lar."

"So, what are you doing here?" she asked and played with the wineglass between her fingers.

I thought for a while to try to see if it was a trick question. "Namine called me."

"Oh?" Larxene said in a surprised tone, "Did she tell you why she called?"

"She said that the part had spun out of control and that she was frightened."

Larxene laughed a little. "Don't worry about that gay boy. I overheard what she said to you so I stepped up and kicked out some people from here. But since you're here you can always stay and talk with Nami."

"Sure," I said. But as I began to move something I was holding became heavier and I really had trouble of holding half of his body up. Larxene looked at Demyx with a disguised expression on her face, "Why don't you just drop him?"

I wasn't taking orders, I really felt like dropping him so when she suggested it I let go of him without any hesitation. I followed Larxene in to the living room and couldn't help but to take notice of the interior design it had. She really liked white furniture huh? Maybe not the best choice to have when you throw a party of such high magnitude.

"Roxas!" A blond girl jumped up from the couch and ran up to me. Thankfully I had some balance in me which prevented me from falling over when she suddenly hugged me, "You came! I'm so happy!"

"Say, Namine, is this that Roxas fella' you were talking about earlier?" someone from the couch asked. He had blue eyes and blond hair. Something that caught my attention was all the ear-piercings he had.

"Who are you?" I asked without thinking about sounding more polite.

He got up from the couch and reached out a hand for me to shake. "I'm Luxord, a psychologist at the same hospital you're working on. I'm pleased to meet you."

I reached out my hand and shook his hand, "Well, I'm Roxas as you guessed. Pleased to meet you too…"

Man… That guy really knew how to make you feel small and insignificant by being so cool and polite.

"I met Namine for not so long ago," he continued, "She's currently re-painting the ward I'm working in, but you were probably already aware of that."

"Yeah," I said and thanked Sora mentally for telling me that earlier today. If he hadn't I would just feel more stupid and wonder what the hell kind of a friend am I. "Yeah, uh, pretty much the whole hospital is going to be re-painted I heard…"

"Hey, dudes!" A very drunk Demyx with an absolutely hideous breath leaned on my shoulder and laughed as he spoke, "I met Namine years ago when I was hanging around with Axel. Or back then I never talked with her with her but Axel said that she was your girlfriend back then, is that true? So you're actually not gay but bisexual?"

As he continuously poked me on my cheek I felt my face grow warmer for each poke until I slapped away his hand and mumbled something about him being too drunk and that he should sleep.

"Oh yeah… That's about the time when Larxene became Axel's sex friend too," he continued with.

The embarrassment I felt vanished as I heard those words coming from Demyx's mouth. I looked at him and hoped for him to laugh out loud and say that he was just kidding and that my reaction was so worth the punch he was going to get from me. But instead he was rubbing his temples and looked as he was thinking intensively.

"Yeah, totally! That was when… and then… yeah, she was pissed when he 'broke up' with her. You see, they weren't together per se, but Larxene actually really liked him. That's what I heard. But that was just a rumour, but some rumours are true so… you never know which one to believe…I heard that she hates the ones that she everyone she saw Axel being friendly with. Maybe that's why--"

And it was then Demyx drunk blathering was interrupted by Larxene's high kick. And then she dragged him away from the scene.

I wasn't sure what to think. He was so obviously drunk that what he said may just have all been baseless conjecturers but… There were just those things he said that I've been thinking of before that made me feel like they were confirmed. But the fact that Larxene had actually had feelings for Axel made me really uncomfortable.

"Eh-Excuse me," I said as I walked to the balcony. I felt really nauseous and needed fresh air.

I leaned on my elbows on the railing but I wasn't left alone as I hoped I would be.

"Hey, how are you taking all of that Demyx said?" Naminé asked as she approached me carefully.

"...I dunno, I just feel like I shouldn't care about it as much as I do," I said, "I mean, everyone do stupid stuff in collage..."

"Hmm, it's tough, huh?" Naminé said and closed the door behind her, "But you know, all of that is in the past and surely both Larxene and Axel don't have any kind of left over feelings for each other..."

"How do you know that?!" I asked angrily. There's no way I was going to be pitied in this situation.

She sighed silently and closed her eyes for a while before she looked at me once more, "Collage was years ago, do you really think that foolish teenage love lasts for that long?"

"Then what about me and my feelings for Axel?" I groaned.

"Oh, come on Roxas! Don't tell me you haven't been interested in someone else since Axel!"

Clyde.

That name sent nasty chills down my spine in a second. I just felt like one of those picket fences that gotten kicked down by a child. I must have looked terrible for Naminé looked at me like I had gotten a seizure or something else traumatic.

"Roxas, what's wrong? Are you alright?" She asked with a fretful look on her face. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me gently, "Roxas?"

"I… I-um… I'm fine… I just remembered that I have to be somewhere…" Where dumbass?! You don't have anywhere to go! "Ah… Excuse me," I said and walked pass her and quickly through the living room, trying not to look at the drunken people on the couch. At the door I grabbed my jacket and put it on but before I could even reach for the handle something else caught my attention.

"Roxas, wait!" I heard Naminé call out behind me, "Where are you going?"

Yeah, where am I going? Out of here of course, but if I said that I would most likely hurt Naminé's feelings. It would be better if I just told her some location.

"I'm going to Sora's," I said, "He needs a little help packing the last things into the boxes."

"Ah, ok… I see…" Naminé said with a hint of sadness in her voice. She looked down on the floor for a brief second before she looked up at me again. "Uhm… C-Can you call me tonight?"

"Hum, sure." I replied.

"It's just that we have so much we need to catch up on," Naminé added quickly. She looked like was about to fall over. I smiled weakly. That was the Naminé that I remembered from when I first met her.

"Yeah, that's true," I said and gave her a real smile this time, "I'll call you later, bye!" I opened the door and left Naminé's apartment. Well now that I'm out of there, guess that I could really head for Sora's apartment. I don't really think he would mind an extra person helping him to pack down the last things. Luckily Naminé lives quite near the centre of town so there are quite a few buss stations around here. Buss nr.13 goes to the other side of town where Sora lives, which actually is known for rich people living in the expensive apartments over there. Tssk, that just adds one of the other things of what my mother always complains about… that I should be moving out to my own apartment. But hey, apartments in town are expensive, there's no way I could afford one on my own… Maybe I should get a roommate or something.

I looked at the time table to see when the next buss was going and since it was after 6 p.m the busses comes once an hour. Which resulted in a loud sigh and digging after my iPod in my pocket and walking away from the buss station. I actually don't mind taking long walks every now and then, but I do get annoyed when I think it'll take less time walking than waiting for the buss when less half way you'll see the buss pass right by you. And for something even more annoying is that my iPod is running low on battery. I guess that I have to be without music for a couple of days if I don't come to the conclusion of going home which, pffft, won't happen if I'm forced to during the circumstances given.

After moping around about my lifeless iPod I opened the door to the building Sora was living in and headed up the stairs and stopped in front of his door.

"Now where is that goddamn key?"

I dug furiously through my pockets after the spare key Sora lent me.

"Argh! Where the fuck is it!?"

Someone clearing her throat excessively behind me made jump and turn around. There stood a middle-aged woman with her two younger children standing on each side of her.

All those cursing words that where endlessly flowing out of my mouth neatly crawled back inside and stayed put inside my mind as the woman glared at me as they passed by and walked down the stairs. It took me a minute to continue my search for the spare key as the woman's appearance among with her kids sent me in to a temporary blank state until what seemed to be a long time I resumed the search for the annoying spare key.

"Ah-HAH! Got'cha!" I said and held up the key in front of me and stared at it with pleasure before I inserted it in to the keyhole and gently pushed the door as I slid the key out.

It must have been the negative energy that made me feel that something was defiantly wrong.

There was something in the air that ringed the bell of uncertainty.

"Hey Sora, where's my pants?"

Briskly, I hid behind the door only leaving a small crack that was big enough for me to spy on what's going on in Sora's apartment.

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"Here they are Riku." I saw an arm and a hand give away a pair of jeans.

I felt like screaming out 'what he FUCK?!' but held my hand in front of my mouth to impede myself from doing so.

I felt that I had a mouth full of uncomfortable truths today. I didn't even want to confront them today so I gently closed the door and left the building. I had even temporarily forgotten about Larxene being Axel's fuck buddy until I reminded myself about it. Strangely enough, Sora cheating on Kairi with Riku made me feel even more anxious.

"Ah, that's just great. Where the fuck am I going to sleep tonight?" I said to myself as I hit the back of my head to the wall. I thought for a while of possible candidates of mooching a place to sleep when the obvious suddenly struck me.

I picked up my phone and re-dialled the most recent number I've called.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Namine. It's Roxas. You said we had a lot of things to catch up with right? So how about I crash at your place? That way we'll have the whole night."


End file.
